While most of Portland's navel-gazing shitbirds are out farting around in the spring weather, the asthmatic, anemic ding-a-lings culpable for Blogtown are gleefully sitting in their squalid office under a bank of florescent lights, flailing away at their little keyboards in the futile hope that something coherent will result. And thus: Another week's worth of hastily posted, shoddily written, typo-riddled "content." Enjoy, turds.

• For once, Ned Lannamann and I agree on something: Blogtown readers are idiots.

• Displaying the keen journalistic acumen we've come to expect, Marjorie Skinner cut-and-pasted some text from a Facebook event she knows nothing about, then pawned it off as a blog post. By all means, Ms. Skinner, don't tire yourself out.

• What's that? A convention for lonely cat ladies in sweatpants? And Alison Hallett's attending? You don't say.

• Both Sarah Mirk and Courtney Ferguson are on vacation, taking much-needed respites from their daily grinds of doing absolutely shit-all.

• Admirably walking the company line, Denis C. Theriault attempted to convince rubes that swimming in the Willamette River "(probably) won't kill you"—so naturally, it must be perfectly fine to attend the Mercury-sponsored "The Big Float"! Do check your email, Mr. Theriault; I've sent you a photograph of another big float you might be interested in "reporting" on.

• Wm. Steven Humphrey rambled on about "mutton bustin'." I did not read this. I assume he is, as usual, referring to self-pleasure.

• With all the subtlety and tact of a Wm. Steven Humphrey at a Justin Bieber concert, Ezra "Ace" Caraeff offered to administer blowjobs to everyone in Richmond Fontaine.

• Ignoring repeated, legally binding requests by 7-Eleven, Inc., Erik Henriksen once again visited a convenience store in order to annoy bystanders with his nasal natterings about an Icee. Is it too much to hope that the next time Mr. Henriksen visits a 7-Eleven, there is a robbery? A robbery in which Mr. Henriksen is shot in the head? Can anyone reading this assist me with such arrangements? If so, we should talk.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.