Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex at Dawn, is stepping in for Dan Savage, who is on vacation. Chris will be writing the “Savage Love Letter of the Day” all this week. You can read more from Chris at his blog at Psychology Today, and follow him on Facebook and Twitter. Sex at Dawn has just been released in paperback.
I'm in a monogamous relationship, and have been for two years, with the guy I've been in love with since the day I met him in elementary school. We're having a spectacular time together and I'm just mad for him. We've been having sex frequently for a long time, and we've gotten so comfortable with one another that we have enormous fun with it. I've just never been able to climax. I know the female orgasm is notoriously "elusive" and some people seem to think it's mythical, but even as a firm believer I just can't seem to do it. I think I've got some control issues, which haven't leaked into our relationship at all except in this one way, I just can't seem to let go enough to climax. Every time I get close, I hit a wall. I think he's starting to feel a little discouraged. Do you have any advice?
My answer after the jump...
Hi everybody. Before we get to my response, I’d like to just take a line or two to thank Dan for leaving the SLLOTD in my trembling, inexperienced hands this week. The best by-product of publishing Sex at Dawn was getting the chance to meet Dan, Terry, and DJ in person on my visit to Seattle last year. My apologies in advance to you unlucky five whose letters got chosen (great!) but fell into my basket instead of Dan’s (damn!). I’d also like to apologize to those readers who get irritated every time Dan mentions our book. I get it: you don’t understand why he plugs our book so generously. Seriously, I get it. I’m with you. I don’t understand either, but Cacilda and I (and our publisher) sure are grateful!
Now to SGS and her hunt for the “elusive female orgasm.”
I’ve gotta say, this advice-giving shtick is harder than it looks! First of all, there’s so much crucial information missing from these letters. And what information there is is often very confusing. From the way your message is written, SGS, it seems you and your boyfriend met two years ago in elementary school. That can’t be right. So I’m gonna assume you’re in your early 20s, but in a new-ish relationship with a guy you’ve known since elementary school and always loved. [SGS, if you’re only two years out of elementary school, congratulations on your very adult writing style, but stop reading this blog, obsessing on orgasms, and go do your damned homework!]
Also missing is any clear indication of whether you’ve never had any orgasms or just not with this guy. It seems we’re talking about no orgasms at all, so let’s assume that’s the case. If you are capable of masturbation-induced orgasms, then it’s just a question of introducing your partner into the mix gradually so you can get used to him being there, bit by bit.
But no orgasms ever? Different story.
First of all, forget about the G-spot. Some women have orgasms from internal stimulation; some don’t. Some used to; some will in the future. Speaking as a heterosexual man (a voice we don’t hear much around here!) I’d like to take this opportunity to send a shout out to the wonderful, mysterious, ever-changing female mind/body. I know we all love Dan, but let’s face it, when it comes to the female parts, he’s not a huge fan. But I am. So, a toast to that wonderful place we all came from, and many of us get back to as often as we can!
With that out of the way, SGS, it sounds like you’re almost there. You sound comfortable with your body and your sexuality in general. You’re with a guy you trust and feel good with. And you’ve located the blockage as probably being related to “control issues.” You sound smart, sexy and (almost) satisfied—SSS, as well as GGG. Good on you, as the Aussies say.
First off, take this as an adventure of self-exploration, not a problem to be solved. No need to obsess about it. Any obsessive energy you put into this will just make everything that much harder, so try to keep your energy playful, easy, and unashamed. It’ll happen when it happens. Some women just need a strong push to get them over the hump, if you’ll pardon the wording. Once you’ve been there, it’s a lot easier to find your way back.
According to many of my female informants, the best orgasm path-breaker known to woman is the Hitachi Magic Wand, which you can order on-line at one of the sponsors of Dan’s podcast, for example. It creates a deep, penetrating vibration that sends most women over the hump and back again. I can personally attest that it’s also a damned fine massage tool. For some mysterious reason, the Hitachi company doesn’t make these things for 220 current, so when I bring a few back in my luggage, I have to include a transformer as part of the gift (I live in Spain). But you lucky Americans can just plug in, turn on, and drop off (to sleep, eventually). The HMW is not for inserting, as you’ll see once you look at one. It’s for clitoral stimulation (although there are attachments). Find the intensity that works best for you and have fun. I’d suggest some solo exploration first, so you don’t have any distractions. I’d also suggest checking the comments below, as I’m sure many of Dan’s regular women readers will offer you excellent advice that didn’t occur to me.