Hey Mayor Sam Adams!

Two things: 1) It was nice to see you at The Big Float last Sunday. 2) You should get a tank. You can use a tank for all sorts of things—for example, you can use it to run over and crush expensive cars illegally parked in the bike lanes, just like Mayor Arturas Zuokas of Vilnius, Lithuania. Behold:

True, we don't have a huge problem with expensive cars parked in the bike lanes, but a tank could also be useful for running over the Oregonian's editorial board. (If you did that, it wouldn't matter if you chose to run again or not—you'd get enough write-in votes to win.)