After the horrible failure that was my Discomfort Zone we are now determined to make our next contestant—News reporter extraordinaire Sarah Mirk—suffer like no one has ever suffered before. The problem is, Sarah loves everything. Clowns? She thinks they are hilarious. Nazis? She also thinks they are hilarious. Denis Theriault's collection of vintage amputee erotica? She admires his steadfast devotion to diversity.
To make matters worse, the camping trip with Furries event is already sold out (or, Sarah secretly bought out all the remaining tickets in order not to go) and our lawyer said we can't force her to go to this and fight a stranger.
Thankfully we have been inundated with a few other suggestions from our cruel readers, the best/worst of which are below.
DebbieTay Comedy Hypnotist
Two things we know about Sarah: she has never laughed and she has never been hypnotized. I can't promise this event will take care of the former (just watch this depressing video that looks like it was filmed in the basement of the Red Lion), but perhaps she will fall under the spell of this comedy hypnotist and dance the "Funky Chicken." We should probably film that. Fri Aug 5, Multnomah Arts Center, 7688 SW Capitol Highway, 8:30-9:30 pm
It's Getting Hot In Here! Lingerie and Underwear Party
Due to my inability to write in the prose known as "rapey," I'll let the event's description take it from here: "Lola's room is known for getting pretty hot when people get moving, so we thought it would be fun to throw a lingerie and underwear party. Or swimsuits. Or anything that feels suitable for an event called, It's Getting Hot in Here. (there will be a 'clothes' check available)." I guess the title "Megan's Law: The Dance Party" was already taken. Fri Aug 5, Lola’s Room, 1332 W Burnside, 9-12 pm
Gathering of the Eagles
You wanted it, you got it. But beware, this Tea Party gathering—featuring Herman Cain, the token black Republican all Tea Party members namecheck in order to not appear racist—is the sort of thing Sarah is into. It's newsy, plus she has been to one before. Then again, a full day on a ranch in Jefferson, OR might help Sarah become less of a Pinko and more of a true American. Sat Aug 6, Ames Ranch, 4135 Paradise Hill Dr, Jefferson, OR, 8:30am-7pm
Who? Oh, you know, "America's Best Dance Band" and "America’s Best Independent Artist," which are fake titles this painfully sincere covers band just arbitrarily gave themselves. Watch this video/informercial and then get back to us. Thurs Aug 4, Refectory Lounge, 1618 NE 122nd Ave, 7pm
Voting ends tomorrow (Wednesday) at 3pm. Do your worst.