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PRETTY—While the Portland Timbers just might steal a match from the Los Angeles Galaxy tonight, there is one category where the home team doesn't stand a chance: handsomeness. The star-heavy Los Angeles team is just so damn dreamy, led by Landon Donovan and David "Mr. Posh Spice" Beckham, who are team leaders in goals, assists, and (most importantly) hair-gel usage. EAC
Jeld-Wen Field, 1844 SW Morrison, 7:30 pm, SOLD OUT, broadcast on ESPN2

HUMAN FLESH
—Fans of Red Fang are no doubt familiar with frequent opening act Lord Dying, but it's nice to see them in a headlining role. Their punishing, technical, old-school thrash metal is not for the weak, so bring your earplugs and steel yourself for being blown right the fuck away. MS
w/Owl; The Know, 2026 NE Alberta, 8 pm