Evening, fucknuggets. Let's look back on Blogtown's week that was! Alternatively, you dull-eyed halfwits could better spend your humiliating amounts of free time doing literally anything else.

• Ezra "Ace" Caraeff (poorly) feigned outrage after being sent an unsolicited email about soap. Take the hint, ass, and get in the goddamn shower for once in your adult life.

• Sarah Mirk refused to shut the fuck up about garbage.

• Marjorie Skinner: SELLOUT.

• Succeeding in her weekly bid to appear increasingly desperate and/or pathetic, Alison Hallett casually advocated having unsolicited sexual intercourse with fictional children.

• The Mercury's crackwhorish permissiveness regarding drug abuse inspired Erik Henriksen to move his bong away from his Nintendo and in front of his work computer. Portland Police Department: I hereby demand that you raid the squalid Mercury offices immediately.

• Continuing his unwitting impression of that obnoxious Rain Man freak, Ned Lannamann attempted to use the word "forgivable" as many times as humanly possible in a single post. As usual, no one read past his third sentence.

• Courtney Ferguson broke the shocking news that filthy hippies like bullshit music festivals. Excellent reporting, Ms. Ferguson, you unbelievably insipid dolt.

• Come now, Wm. Steven Humphrey: If you're going to go to elaborate lengths to assuage your meager conscience about stealing, perhaps you should steal something worthwhile. Say, a newspaper that's actually worth reading.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.