Long time reader, absolutely love you! I'll try to sum this up as easily and quickly as I can. I'm 28, and I've been with my pseudo-hubby (PH) now for about ten years. I obviously got pregnant very early on in our relationship. Besides the two children that we have together, nothing at all about this relationship has been good or even okay. He's jealous, overbearing, argumentative, depressed, unsupportive, mean, cold, and impossible to deal with. He's a computer game-addict and has basically ignored me for years and years. He works a crappy job and we're always struggling to make ends meet. Our sex life is awful because I literally don't want to touch him anymore and he tells me all the time how unsatisfied he is. I've always felt like I couldn't leave him because I needed a way to financially support my children but I haven't been in love with him for a long time. I've just poured the last ten years into trying to be a good mom. Now I've started my own business and I've surrounded myself in amazing, supportive people who give me the strength to move on.
Now another screw in the mix: three weeks ago my best friend in the world—like soulmate best friend—committed suicide. I've never felt such pain in my life, such immense turmoil. PH has been a complete asshole, not supportive in the least, and mean. I've found myself turning more and more to my dead-best-friend's boyfriend, who was also dealing with the loss. It started out innocent and slowly got charged. We talk all the time, everything from "goodnight sweetheart" to "I want to slam you against the wall and fuck you." No other way to say this: I want to fuck this guy's brains out—and I haven't felt that in SO LONG. It feels amazing.
So a couple questions: Why do I feel so WRONG about wanting to fuck my dead best friend's boyfriend? Is it okay to fuck him, or is it an emotional disaster waiting to happen? And what to do about PH? I have tried ending things a thousand times in the past couples weeks, I've told him I'm not in love, I asked him to leave, I BEGGED him to go away but he won't go. Our kids are suffering. Fighting all the time. I need an outlet—I just really really REALLY want to go and fuck my dead best friend's boyfriend until it hurts. Is this justified, or does it count as cheating? I've tried to end things, I've told him I'm not happy, he just won't listen. Can you please tell me to go lay my hot friend before I go crazy? I promise I'll sort out all my other life shit after I get a really hot night of sex.
My response after the jump...
Fucking DBF's boyfriend could be a disaster, FF, a real shitshow. But I'm inclined to allow it because, Christ Almighty, what's not disastrous/shitshowstrous about the situation you're in right now? You're miserable, your dead best friend's boyfriend is miserable, your kids are miserable, and your husband—I'm going to accept your potentially fucking-best-friend's-boyfriend-justifying characterization at face value—is a piece of shit to whom you owe nothing, least of all exclusive access to your vaginal canal.
You deserve some joy, FF, as does your DBF's boyfriend. And sometimes a little cheating—a.k.a. a quick taste of what you've been missing out on/cheated of—gives a person the incentive she needs to get out of a bad/toxic relationship. And if fucking DBF's boyfriend inspires you to DTMFA your husband and end this horrifying marriage, more good will come of fucking DBFB than just some life-affirming sexual pleasure. Your kids will benefit from the affair, in the long run, if moves up the date at which they longer have to watch you and your husband rip into each other on a daily basis.
But you and DBFB need to have an adult conversation before you fuck about how you're both on the mother of all rebounds here, you need to acknowledge that the odds against anything longterm are astronomically high, and swear to be good to each other whatever happens, and you need to emphasize the importance of discretion—for your sake and your kids' sakes, and so as not to fuel your soon-to-be ex-husband's anger.