GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Your love is like a mountain, and I'd like to slide down into your canyons. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

For those who love seeing imbecilic drooling hilarity at work, don't miss tonight's CNN Tea Party Debate!

Obama sends his job-growing legislation to congress, where it received a "polite, but mixed response" from the GOP. (Which is to say they said "thank you" before pissing on it.)

Military jets were scrambled to "escort" (i.e. prepare to shoot down) two commercial planes yesterday (i.e. the anniversary of 9/11) because passengers spent too much time in the bathroom (i.e. SEX).

Realizing it's not quite enough to simply screw over their customers, Bank of America says they'll be laying off 30,000 employees.

A gas pipeline in a Kenya slum explodes, killing at least 68.

In other "explosion" news: A furnace blows up at a French nuclear plant, killing one and injuring four.

Wait... a Florida man is also killed after his scuba tank explodes? GUYS! STAY AWAY FROM EXPLODING THINGS TODAY!

Hunky Spartacus actor Andy Whitfield, dead at the too-young age of 39, after a bout with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

DOOK! DOOK! DOOK! Another off-duty Portland cop is arrested for drunk driving.

In sports, my mixed-doubles badminton team lost yesterday in the first Invitational Southeast Badminton Tournament. Fucking bullshit badminton.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A cooler week ahead with a high of 83 today, steadily dropping to the low 70s by week's end.

And finally, Santa was really upset yesterday about the anniversary of 9/11. Good thing Jesus was there to comfort him.