In the first phase of Westmoreland Park’s restoration, the Audubon Society of Portland and U.S. Department of Agriculture-Wildlife Services, working under the supervision of veterinarians, will remove domestic ducks and geese from the park and relocate them to local farms and homes in rural areas where they can live in healthier environments.
As you can plainly see, this will not be another "Goosewitz." But if you're still worried, here's my expanded list of things that will and will not happen during this "goose relocation program" tomorrow morning.
• Domestic geese and ducks will be offered a continental breakfast by the lake, where guest speaker Morgan Freeman will calmly explain the relocation program, followed by musical entertainment from American Idol finalist Kellie Pickler.
• Each goose and duck will be given a "relocation pack" which includes information about their new home, contact information for their "handler," a new name (including backstory and accompanying identification), a "Portland Works!" keychain, and three slices of Wonder Bread.
• They will be asked to form an orderly line and board the "Honk Honk Party Bus"—a very comfortable, air conditioned vehicle that provides an open bar, snacks, and fun movies. Tomorrow's feature presentation: Fly Away Home.
• While farm life always takes some getting used to, the fowls' new home will provide the following amenities: Cable/satellite hookups. Fitness room with a jacuzzi. Social and recreational activities. Biweekly housekeeping. On-site banking. Chapel. Medication control. Arts & crafts. Viennese dessert carts. Weekly group counseling sessions. And much more.
After the jump, what WILL MOST DEFINITELY NOT HAPPEN:
1) No forced marches.
2) No unscheduled stops for "showers."
3) And absolutely, positively none of this: