Earlier this week, the Mercury's imbecilic managers called me into their failing publication's squalid offices. There they asked me to "reevaluate" the way I was running the Mercury's Twitter feed. I listened to their constructive criticism, took several moments to consider it, and then informed the pencil-necked dweebs that they should shut their blowjob holes. Then I set a garbage can on fire and left. After that, they should have been smart enough to take away my blog-posting "privileges," correct?

Shows what you know, fuckwit.

• Her childlike enthusiasm reaching heretofore undiscovered levels of obnoxiousness, bicycle-obsessed Sarah Mirk shat herself in delight when she got to visit a tricycle factory.

• Ned Lannamann whimpered and trembled at the "1 in 3,200" chance he might be brutally obliterated by a burning piece of space debris plummeting out of the sky. Fingers crossed.

• Deciding it's never too early to post bullshitty news about bullshit, Marjorie Skinner "reported" that a pop-up shop opening in December will offer this town's fancy-lads "classic men's products with a modern urban curve." STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE PRESSES! THERE'S SOME BULLSHIT IN THEM.

• Denis "I'll Take 'Pompous Ass' for 800, Alex" Theriault, having decided to once again grace us with his presence, rambled on about Portland's perennially boring City Hall. I did not read this post.

• Surprising no one, legally retarded simpleton Erik Henriksen revealed that he has no fucking idea how polls work.

• Fearmonger Alex Zielinski attempted to sow the seeds of terror amongst Blogtown's mouth-breathing readers. A noble aim, Ms. Zielinski—if only you weren't so mentally feeble as to forget that there's no way the average Blogtown reader can comprehend a graph. Idiot.

• Ezra "Ace" Caraeff spent four hours of company time carefully PhotoShopping an image of Marcus Camby in front of a giant leaf of marijuana. The unemployment rate in Portland is currently at 8.9 percent, Mr. Caraeff. Give your job to someone who deserves it.

• Wm. Steven Humphrey gleefully invoked the Holocaust in an inane post he wrote about shit-covered geese. Normally I'd remark that Mr. Humphrey's ostensibly comedic reference to a historical travesty was forced, inappropriate, and intellectually lazy, but come, let us be adults here: We all know the Holocaust never happened.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. (TRY TO STOP ME, DICKLICKERS.) I urge you to do the same.