I'm having a serious personal crisis in my life. And, I have to say I largely feel responsible. About two months ago my wife got a new job here in Seattle. At this same time she expressed dissatisfaction to me about our marriage.
We've been together seven years but, only since we got married a year ago have we had any real problems. When I asked her to marry me I told her that it was either marriage or find a new partner, because I wanted a lifelong commitment. So she decided to go ahead with it and marry me. Shortly after that, we started having some major relationship problems, but I never quite knew what to do because I was in graduate school and very busy. And, she never wants to talk about how she feels.
Two months ago when she expressed her dissatisfaction I asked her what she wanted and needed. And, she said she wanted to see other men romantically. I started talking about divorce, but she assured me she just wanted to have some fun. So I said ok. Fast forward a month and we began our move to Seattle from the east coast. I noticed that she was texting quite intensely on her phone. But, I had no idea who. When I asked who she was texting she said that it was her scrabble partner, which I found out later was a lie. It was actually a boy she met on the web. Then the first night we got here, her and her friend went out to a bar and didn't come home that night. I got a text the next morning that she had spent the night at this boy's house. Her friend didn't have any idea where she went off to. And, this was the first time I'd ever heard of this guy. I was seriously pissed. I told her it wasn't ok to just run off without telling me. But, then she did it again a day or so later. I told her that I couldn't take this abuse, so she had to stop seeing him. She declined and I then moved out. I'm staying at a friends place now… the only guy I really know here in town.
I was still seeing my wife up until yesterday when i lost my temper and told her to get out of my life. I feel like she doesn't care about me (or us as a couple) at all. But, I'm still deeply in love with her. I know it sounds foolish. But, until a year ago we had a great relationship (at least I thought so). I feel like marriage just fucked us up. I feel like divorce is inevitable. But, can we save our relationship? I still want to have a sex life and friendship with her, despite all the selfishness that's occurred. I suggested counseling, and she's willing to talk about it. But, I clearly don't do well with polyamorous relationships… especially ones that are tried to be kept a secret. The worst part is I don't really care about seeing other women right now. I just feel like a whipped puppy. I'm a really great guy. I'm very sweet, handsome, smart, and charming. I can have any girl I want. Why do I kill myself over this one?
Love And Polyamorous Marriage DO NOT Go Together Like A Horse And Carriage
My response after the jump...
Some people honestly wanna open up their marriages, LAPMDNGTLAHAC, while others want to end their marriages under the guise of opening them up. Your wife falls into the latter camp.
She had a new job in a new town and apparently wanted a new man/men. But she didn't do the right thing and leave you—maybe she couldn't admit to you, or to herself, or to her friends and family that the marriage was a mistake—and instead asked you to open up your marriage. She then allowed you to follow her to Seattle where she set about dicking you around so hard that you had no choice but to leave her. Now she can tell herself—and anyone else who cares—that her marriage failed not because she's a dishonest, manipulative piece of shit who mistreated the man who married her, but because you just couldn't handle an open relationship.
Some open relationships are great, LAPMDNGTLAHAC, some are not so great. Some are poly, some are monogamish. But no open relationship has a chance of succeeding unless both parties—particularly the initiating party!—are being honest, respectful, and considerate. When someone who claims to want an open relationship is deceitful, disrespectful, and inconsiderate, it means she never wanted an open relationship at all. She wanted out.
And she's out, LAPMDNGTLAHAC, and I'd say you're well rid of her.