It's a well-proven axiom: Chicago + protesters = MASS ARRESTS. Mayor Rahm Emanuel sends the cops into Grant Park to tear down hundreds of tents—and pinch 175 of the Occupy Chicago protesters sitting inside and around them. In New York, protesters urging customers to put their money elsewhere were locked inside a Citibank branch and arrested. Meanwhile, the movement is spreading around the globe, peacefully. Except in Rome, where eruptions of riotous violence were matched only by eruptions of melodrama in Italian newspapers.

The (Obama) White House says a Middle Eastern country (Iran) is working on manufacturing weapons of mass destruction, except this time it's actually trying to produce evidence that everyone will believe. Speaking WMD, I ate German sausages with sauerkraut last night. The evidence was indisputable.

GOP pizza salesman Herman Cain's self-promoting political run has some extra toppings: Charles and David Koch, funders-in-chief of the anti-working-man Tea Party movement.

I CAN'T BELIEVE, IN RICK PERRY'S TEXAS, THAT OFFICIALS WOULD CENSOR AN ENVIRONMENTAL STUDY ON CLIMATE CHANGE.

This would mean more if Republican donors weren't hiding their donations in disclosure-free third-party political outfits. However, Barack Obama is still out-fundraising his Republican presidential rivals. Except maybe in Texas, where Rick Perry is pulling every string he can. And not on Wall Street, where 1986 Sears Wishbook sweater model Mitt Romney remains the darling.

The end of the incandescent lightbulb, candle of the modern world, is nigh.

"Sherie, a 36-year-old from Oregon, spent $18,000 on vaginal surgery last year. 'In my mid-20s, I noticed that my inner labia were larger than my outer labia," she tells me, "but at that point I wasn't overly concerned by it. Then I had laser hair removal for my bikini line and realized that not everyone might be like me. I browsed through one of my brother's Playboys to see what the girls looked like. It was around that time that I began to wish mine were smaller.'" Undoing nature's perfectly lovely randomness is making plastic surgeons insane amounts of money.

Who's lobbying the government? It sure as shit ain't big labor. Let's just say there's a $4.6 billion reason people are occupying Lower Manhattan.

I'M SO EXCITED. AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT. I'M ABOUT TO LOSE CONTROL. AND I THINK I LIKE IT. WHATEVER.