Historically, now is the time when you look back over the past year, think about what you've accomplished, and realize that you will never say anything more true or "right" than what I wrote in my July 28th I Love Television™ column about "weenie dogs."

Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!

Top that in 2012. You won't be able to. Read more of my wisest quotes of the year here.