As we finally finish our slog through another year's worth of insipid bullshit from the halfwit twat-nozzles at the Portland Mercury, I have been asked by that publication's cocaine-addled editor-in-chief, Wm. Steven Humphrey, to "take a quick look-see through the archives to find the best Blogtown had to offer in 2011!" Mr. Humphrey's masturbatory goal is, no doubt, to remind his slack-jawed "readers" what a valuable resource the Mercury's shitty little blog is; I, however, view his request as a final opportunity to remind you retards how much time you've wasted over the past 12 months—and to urge you, yet again, to do something marginally less depressing with your time in 2012.

So every day this week, I'll be bringing you a pathetically useless Blogtown post from 2011. Should you insist on continuing to visit Blogtown during a week when most people are either on vacation or leading lives worth living, you deserve to be reminded that you are an imbecile for continuing to encourage these syphilis-slathered turds. —Frank Cassano

THE THIRD-WORST BLOGTOWN POST OF 2011: "A Slurpee in Review: Cowboys & Aliens Alienade" (Thursday July 7, 2011 at 9:59 am)

It's time for some pseudoscience, jagoffs! Unlicensed psychologists and shrewish women all-too-frequently squawk about "Peter Pan Syndrome," the belief that some grown men are "unable to grow up and take on adult responsibilities." While legitimate psychiatric organizations refuse to recognize the disorder, the Mercury's Erik Henriksen makes a damning case for its obnoxious existence with every labored sentence he vomits forth. In July, he decided to use no fewer than 511 words, along with a total of 10 different images, to discuss a bullshit drink marketed to water-brained children.


My sources inside the Mercury inform me that Mr. Henriksen is 31 years of age. I genuinely hope he does not live to see 32.