As we finally finish our slog through another year's worth of insipid bullshit from the halfwit twat-nozzles at the Portland Mercury, I have been asked by that publication's cocaine-addled editor-in-chief, Wm. Steven Humphrey, to "take a quick look-see through the archives to find the best Blogtown had to offer in 2011!" Mr. Humphrey's masturbatory goal is, no doubt, to remind his slack-jawed "readers" what a valuable resource the Mercury's shitty little blog is; I, however, view his request as a final opportunity to remind you retards how much time you've wasted over the past 12 months—and to urge you, yet again, to do something marginally less depressing with your time in 2012.

So every day this week, I'll be bringing you a pathetically useless Blogtown post from 2011. Should you insist on continuing to visit Blogtown during a week when most people are either on vacation or leading lives worth living, you deserve to be reminded that you are an imbecile for continuing to encourage these syphilis-slathered turds. —Frank Cassano

THE SECOND-WORST BLOGTOWN POST OF 2011: "How to Ride a Bicycle" (Thursday April 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm)

From Sarah Mirk's first days at the Mercury—when her "Sexy Bike" posts immediately turned an entire city against her—she has blathered incessantly about a form of transportation utilized by the likes of eight-year-old girls and the French. Ms. Mirk's wide-eyed fetishization of bicycles, however, plummeted to a nadir in which she sanctimoniously chirped, "I think we could use a quick lesson in basic Portland biking etiquette."


Ms. Mirk: Everything about you infuriates me. I am now going to go for a drive. I will be looking for you.