In Portland, we're lumbering to our desks for another misery-filled Friday, a day whose sole redeeming quality is that it moves us 24 hours closer to our inevitable ends. But not Samoa! They skipped Friday! They get to die even quicker now! Happy New Year!
North Korea calls South Korea's decision not to show up for Kim Jong Il's funeral an "unforgivable sin," and now a "defense commission" presumably answering to (and speaking for) the North's boy leader has threatened to visit a "sea of fire" upon its prosperous, showy southern kinfolk. It's certainly of some comfort, though, that apparently will have a prominent new role in the new government.
Syrian activists, calling for a day of national demonstrations, naively hope the recent arrival of Arab League monitors will keep the Syrian military from its favorite pastime: cruelly executing protesters.
Impossibly, Michele Bachmann is making herself even more unpleasant. Stung that a high-profile Iowa supporter switched sides and endorsed Ron Paul, Bachmann blames bribery instead of her obvious inability to run a good campaign. Or act sanely.
Someone make a joke about Dune. Ha. Because this story is about something called "spice" and how it's playing havoc with the soon-to-be-unemployed men and women of the Yoo-Ess military.
Meet the world's oldest divorcees: an Italian couple (she's 96 and he's 99) divorcing after 77 years because of a 60-year-old affair. According to one story, "the Italian press pointed to the couple's southern blood as the catalyst for the breakup."
It's a good thing when a MASSIVE FIRE ON A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE isn't actually that big of a deal.
A U.S. Marine gets all John McClane against a pair of would-be Craiglist robbers. He chased them for several blocks after they took off with the necklace he was selling, and then, after one of the young fellows turned around and shot the Marine, he survived by plugging the bullet holes with his own fingers, running to his car (where several of his kids were waiting) and calling for an ambulance.
Your cable guy is no longer named Larry and is probably, these days, way more educated than the slobs who need his help fixing the NASCAR pictures and "sports on TV."
Yes, Verizon is nickel-and-diming its customers, yes, but not as badly as everyone thought yesterday.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO GO SLEEP. IT'S NOT EVEN, LIKE, ONE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.... DO YOU WANT OUR HELP? THIS IS THE LAST CALL. OKAY. WE'RE LEAVING.... SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR. SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR. WHATEVER. IT'S HAPPY.