Nearly ninety percent of running the Food column for the Mercury is fielding vendor offers for free vodka. What this says about the last fellow I shall not say, but it would explain the wealth of profanity and old band names scribbled on the underside of the desk.

This vodka was hidden from Mercury staffers by placing it near a terrifying picture.

This onerous situation can, I think, be made less so with the help of you, our readership, in the form of a solicitation which will benefit my girlfriend, whom we shall in the interests of both privacy and Moldova call Lady Hpuçék. I present you with this empty glass, this blank canvas of Exclusiv Vodca (Moldova, distilled from wheat), and the following information: she has recently enjoyed cocktails flavored with cilantro, cucumber, gentle citrus, and exotic bitters, but has an open mind and stout constitution. Won’t you write in below with your creative drink suggestions? Any and all are appreciated, and no shot is off the board. We thank you in advance for your time.