Okay, granted: I have a fair number of utterly irrelevant things I get all worked-the-fuck-up over that no one else gives a shit about. (I had not one but several heated conversations last night about whether or not the battleground in The Hunger Games is, in fact, just a big holodeck.) But there are some pop culture debates that are so stupid they should be put out of their misery. TO WIT: This it-has-to-be-tongue-in-cheek-right-no-wait-it-is-not-tongue-in-cheek piece from The Guardian, which should probably be read in your best Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons voice:
A few days ago, a 15-second video emerged online. It shows producer Michael Bay standing before an audience in a suit, discussing his plans for a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, to be directed by Jonathan Liebesman of Wrath of the Titans fame, with such a dearth of enthusiasm that you could quite easily mistake him for a printer toner spokesman at a regional office supplies conference.
In the video, Bay says: "Kids are going to believe one day that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable."
Now, hang on a minute. From an alien race? That's not how it works. That's not how it works at all. Everyone knows that the turtles came about because they were exposed to radioactive material as babies. They're mutants. They're quite definitively not aliens. They're called the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, not the Teenage Alien Race of Turtle-like Creatures Who Happen to Know Ninja.
Making the turtles aliens would ruin everything—their desire to be accepted, their bizarre late-1980s street lingo, their fondness for pizza. Everything. Are we really meant to believe that there's an alien race of giant turtles who just happen to all be named after renowned Renaissance artists from this planet, and speak English, and who came to Earth with a giant elderly rat who's presumably from the same race, just to live in sewers and loudly eschew anchovies at every opportunity? Hardly, Michael Bay. Hardly.
Look, I was a freak about the Ninja Turtles when I was nine, too. My favorite outfit—the one I proudly wore on our class field trip to the symphony—was a blue sweatshirt featuring all the Turtles paired with matching blue sweatpants that featured the best Turtle, Leonardo. But holy christ nerds, this is not a thing worth getting worked up over. Even Michael Bay thinks you should mellow the fuck out, and Michael Bay has never told anyone to relax, ever.
Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.
Okay, first, the richer world part is a lie, because this is the guy who makes Transformers, but
Actually I'm not even going to finish that sentence. Here, go read more about this if you want. They refer to it as "Turtlegate" in that story, by the way. Also? The guy who voiced Michelangelo in the old Ninja Turtles movies is accusing Bay of "sodomizing" the Ninja Turtle legacy and continuing "the rape of our childhood memories." So this is happening. Grown-ups are doing this.