Titanic 3D starts screening tonight at midnight for those of you who simply can't wait to experience it again. We did not review it, because (A) they didn't screen it for critics, probably because (B) what's the point, it's Titanic. HOWEVER.

Lindy West—who used to write for the Mercury (and our sister paper, the Stranger) before she got all fancy and took up residence at Jezebel—did subject herself to a rewatch of Titanic, and, not to oversell it or anything, but it's probably the best thing that's ever been written about Titanic.

Fortunately for Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio turns out to be the world's #1 expert in surviving ocean liner disasters—offering genius advice like, "We have to stay on the ship as long as possible! Come on!" Eventually, though, they end up in the ocean, where Kate Winslet sits on a board and cries. Leonardo makes one attempt to get on the board with her, but falls off, so he decides to just die instead. Kate Winslet is sad. Then she gets rescued by Mister Fantastic from the Fantastic Four movie.

Finally, even though she knew Bill Paxton was searching for the necklace, and he hella patiently listened to her stupid story (it's like she writes erotic fan fiction about herself), that old lady just goes and drops it into the ocean at the end!!! Like, seriously, old lady? First of all, you're a dick. Second of all, that necklace belongs in a museum. Third of all, you're a dick! I wish Bill Paxton would drop YOU into the ocean at the end. Then, to wrap things up, there's a dream sequence where the ghosts of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio walk down the Titanic's grand staircase and everyone on earth applauds for no reason. You know who are the only people that think the world owes them a round of applause? Fifteen-year-old girls and billionaire directors who own submarines.

You should read the whole thing.

(Also, this is probably the best opportunity I'm going to get to remind everybody that Neil deGrasse Tyson is a science hero.)