Boom, time for some movie reviews all up on your asses!
THE CABIN IN THE WOODS Wha? A horror movie that wasn't made for slack-jawed idiots? Can it be?! I will be seeing this tomorrow! Will you? I would like to hold your hand when I get scared.
BULLY I saw this documentary and then spent the next four hours desperately fighting off horrifying flashbacks of my time in the public school system. Turns out drinking scotch somehow makes bad memories even worse :(
LOCKOUT Vince Mancini calls it "Escape from New York set in the cryo-prison from Demolition Man starring Guy Pearce as Bruce Willis' character from The Last Boy Scout." SOLD.
THE THREE STOOGES Ben Coleman oh-snaps the Farrelly brothers, calling their Stooges flick "a film made for children by nostalgic adults who can no longer remember what children do or like." Yeah Farrellys, who're the stooges now, huh? HUH?
HOT COFFEE Remember that dumb lady who spilled McDonald's coffee on her lap and now there are giant disclaimers for morons on anything that's served slightly warmer than room temperature? HA! Oh, wait. The real story behind that is actually super depressing. Quick, get me some scotch!
PORTLAND JEWISH FILM FESTIVAL Marjorie Skinner calls one of the films screening "required viewing for everyone living in a time shaped by this conflict." What film? What conflict?! Read Ms. Skinner's story, hot off the presses! On the internet!
BLUE LIKE JAZZ What happens when a Jesus freak goes to Reed College? Guess what, NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED THIS QUESTION EVER.
Play us out, Prince Vince!