Public Masturbation: Not just for viral video stars anymore. A 30-year-old man is arrested for jerking off in a downtown Portland parking lot on three separate occasions.
Winging It: The JetBlue pilot who flipped out and was locked out of his cockpit by copilots, freaking out passengers, plans on using the insanity defense in court.
Outtie: UC Davis police chief Annette Spicuzza, who led the campus force during the controversial pepper-spray incident last year, resigns.
Bieber or Not...: A creepy 34-year-old Canadian guy is arrested for posing as Justin Bieber online and coercing a young girl to perform sexual acts via the web.
Cowsplosion!: After some cows took shelter in an abandoned Colorado cabin last winter, but were unable to find their way out, they froze. Now, the Forest Service has decided the only way to get them out is to blow 'em up.
Meanwhile, in Serious Town: Ted Nugent will meet with the Secret Service today after making some serious threats—that Nugent call "silly"—to Obama at the NRA conference last week.
Blast Off: India successfully test launches a long-range missile that could carry a nuclear warhead. Great!
Well, Shoot: Fish born with lesions and eyeless shrimp are found in the Gulf of Mexico, hinting towards oil spill damage.
Here's your 2013 Coachella line-up (don't miss Sunday's closer):