GEE WHIZ—IT'S APRIL 20! Fulfill stereotypes if you must, but the internet says this might be the worst meme day of the year. Labor massacres. Gritty battles. School shootings. News of botched invasions. Genocidal dictators and farm animals. Etc.

The economic recovery is slowly... blah blah blah wonk wonk wonk your life will remain terrible.

The militarization of Asia lurched dangerously forward yesterday, after India successfully tested a long-range missile (minus the nuclear warhead) capable of reaching Beijing and Shanghai. China, clearly not unnerved in the least, insists everyone is still friends.

Syria decides its UN-brokered cease-fire still allows it to break up demonstrations by firing things: namely tear gas canisters and bullets.

Trayvon Martin's killer, in court today to argue he should be freed on bond, has apologized to Martin's family. Photos of a beaten-up George Zimmerman also have emerged.

American soldiers prove unable to resist posing for offensively stupid pictures in occupied countries.

One of the Secret Service agents canned for enjoying hookers and call girls in Colombia has revealed his fascination with Sarah Palin's scrumptious rumpus.

Daffy Michele Bachmann pretends she didn't know she was using a racial epithet when ranting about Barack Obama's energy policies.

Turns out, subjecting welfare recipients to a degrading regimen of drug testing didn't save Florida any money.

This headline is all that's required: "Bollywood actress kidnapped, beheaded by costars"

Somehow Starbucks has been shamed out of using crushed beetles to produce the red dye it injects into several of its food and drink items.

Holy shit. What a shitty, shitty teacher.

A first-grader with no hands has way better penmanship than you do.

BEHOLD! AN EXERCISE IN GLUTTONY FOLLOWED BY AN EXERCISE IN RESTRAINT (WHICH ACTUALLY JUST PRESAGED THE EXERCISE OF A SILLY MAN'S STOMACH EJECTOR MUSCLES.)