I'm the gay college kid whose dilemma was recently featured as a "Savage Love Letter of the Day." I just got back from visiting my friend this past weekend and wanted to give you an update.
There seemed to be some slight awkwardness between us when I first arrived on Friday, but it went away pretty quickly and I decided not to bring up our friends-with-benefits situation right away. That night we had a really good time hanging out either just the two of us or with a few of his friends from school. I definitely didn't feel as much distance between us as during the last trip and the topic of sex or blowjobs didn't come up the first night.
Saturday the conversation moved in that direction, though, and he apologized again for asking me to blow his friends. He said something along the lines of not thinking it would be offensive and he thought as a gay guy I would enjoy it since it's "just sex." I explained to him that it may be "just sex" but the reason I give blowjobs so freely to him is that we have trusting relationship and there's a friendly affection there. I think that made him uncomfortable at first and sent his hetero identity, as you called it, into full defense mode because he said something to the effect that he didn't see us as having any sort of "relationship." I used that opportunity to say sort of bluntly that I didn't think him accepting blowjobs from me meant he was gay or that we're boyfriends, but that those blowjobs wouldn't happen if we weren't good friends and that good friends, gay or straight, male or female, treat each other with some compassion. You can care about the other person and have feelings for them that are friendly rather than romantic/sexual. I think he understood what I was saying.
That conversation actually took an unexpected amount of weight off my shoulders and I think we both felt more relaxed after we put it all out there. We went to a party that night with some of the other guys in his dorm. My friend was trying to hit on this one girl for most of the night and it completely bombed, so when we got back to his place—and I admit we both had a few drinks—I wound up blowing him. It wasn't a "pity blowjob" because I really wanted it, too, and he did give me a handjob as I was doing it. We did it again Sunday before my train back.
So in the end I don't know for sure whether all is repaired. We're both going to be home for the summer so I guess we'll see how that goes and whether this continues. I do get the feeling that he better understands where I am coming from and that articulating that I didn't think he was gay for accepting blowjobs from a dude really put him at ease. Thanks again for the conversation tips and helping me handle this! And thank your readers for me. I read the comments online after you posted my letter and their input was great.
Cocksucking Other College Kids