Dear Portland Hippies:
The weather is warming, and already I'm seeing you practicing your juggling and fire spinning skills on the lawn of the waterfront. Question: Why are you so LAME? This is Portland, where we celebrate the weird, so why are you still juggling balls? Take a tip from France's The Baronton Sisters who make you look like lazy sacks of crap, because they juggle tables. WITH THEIR FEET. Watch their demonstration from this 1969 episode of The Ed Sullivan Show, and don't show your bewhiskered faces on the waterfront again until you're ready to balance some tables on your tootsies, while lying in a gynecologist examination chair.
Wm. Steven Humphrey