GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! If your girl could only see, how you be calling me, getting fresh with me. LET'S GO TO PRESS.
Russia and China refuse to consider a regime change in Syria—even after last week's murder of 100 civilians including women and children. (Some of whom have been found with their hands tied behind their back and shot in the head.)
And the winner of the Republican nomination for President of the United States is... the envelope, please... MITTENS ROMNEY! (C'mon, Ron Paul! Are you sure you want to give up so soon?)
Meanwhile in Canada, someone mails a severed human foot to the headquarters of the Conservative party. (Sure you want this job, Mittens?)
Republican Super PACs are planning on spending over $1 billion this year to buy their way into power. (Remember when people used to use poison?)
Former Liberian president Charles Taylor gets 50 years in the slammer for war crimes against Sierra Leone, in which he assisted rebels who murdered, raped, and enslaved the country's citizens.
Apple CEO Tim Cook flirts with the idea of Apple TV, and promises Siri won't be so sucky in the future. "(Blong!) I don't know what you mean 'smocky in the suture'." SHUT UP, SIRI!!!
A Mexican drug cartel firebombs a PepsiCo potato chip factory. HEY! I was going to eat those!
The Pope can't understand why his own butler would turn on him and steal secret Vatican documents. Let me make a wild stab at that... because you're a dick?
Researchers discover why a great ancient civilization collapsed—and no, it wasn't because of gay marriage.
Now let's go to footy-ball sports correspondent Brian Gjurgevich for a preview of tonight's big game. Brian?
Thanks, Steve! Timbers owner Merritt Paulson once called American soccer legend/crazy uncle Eric Wynalda a "frickin Twitter trainwreck." Tonight, Wynalda's amateur Cal FC soccer club looks to derail Portland's U.S. Open Cup hopes, as the teams meet in a 7:30 p.m. match at Jeld-Wen Field. With a potential clash with rival Seattle looming (the back-to-back-to-back USOC champ Sounders must handle the lower-division Atlanta Silverbacks tonight to set up a June 5 match with PTFC) and no Major League Soccer matches until June 17, expect the Timbers to load up its regulars in an attempt to buffer Cal FC's hopes early. Of course, if your travel plans don't call for a stop in Goose Hollow tonight, check back later for some High-Pitched Live Blog Action! Back to you, Steve!
Thank you, Brian! Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly sunny skies and warming temps for the next three days, with a cooling trend popping in for the weekend.
And finally, in case you missed it, CNN's Wolf Blitzer calls Donald Trump ridiculous for still believing that Obama wasn't born in Hawaii. To be fair, Trump is ridiculous in a number of ways.