Could you tell my boy to calm the heck down? Can't seem to get him to get the difference between bestiality, necrophilia, and screwin' a bear skin rug. Emphasizing my usual sexual interests—which involve rope bondage, floggin', and an e-stim unit—hasn't worked. Logic isn't helpin' out at all. Maybe you can help?

I'm a hunter. He's a vegan, but he likes how I look in my camo, holding a rifle, so it works. Last fall I went to Idaho and shot a black bear and a 13-point buck. Taxidermist mounted the buck's head, which hangs above my bed, and made the bear into a rug. Most people don't know this, but the head on a bear skin rug is entirely fake except for the fur. The skull, teeth, and tongue are plastic, the eyes are glass. That bear's hardly a bear, if you catch me.

So we got the rug and he liked it. Even wanted me so screw him spreadeagled on that rug—until he walked in while I was doin it with the bear. I rigged up the mouth with one of those "fleshlight" things, pretty much as a joke, but my boy freaked out when he saw the bear giving me a blowjob of sorts. Called me sick and disgusting, and ever since then he won't let me tie him up, or beat him, or anything. He says he's afraid I will kill him and then screw him.

I keep tellin him it was all just a game but he won't believe it. What can I do?

Bear Grinned Anyway

My response after the jump...

What can you do? You mean besides send video of you and that bear in action to prove that this isn't the most entertaining fake letter I've received since Michelle Obama invited me to dinner at Sarah Jessica Parker's apartment? What can you do besides that?

You can do this: draw a clear distinction between what was going on in that bear's mouth when your boyfriend walked in and what was going on in your head. When a man beats off—with or without a Fleshlight-enhanced bearskin rug—two things are kindasorta happening simultaneously: what that man is doing with his dick and what that man wishes he was doing with his dick. Guys who beat off using a clenched fist, for example, generally aren't clenched-fist fetishists; they're just horny and their fists are there and Sarah Jessica Parker isn't. The fist provides the friction, the imagination provides the scenario.

So your boyfriend walked in and saw you fucking the face of a dead bear. That's gonna look bad, BGA, even to a boyfriend who isn't a vegan. So how do you make it better? By patiently explaining to your vegan boyfriend that while, yes, you were indeed face-fucking a bear when he walked in, you weren't thinking about face-fucking a bear. Tell him you were thinking about him and the bear's mouth was just a convenient place to wedge your vegan-boyfriend substitute, ie. your Fleshlight. Tell your boyfriend you don't entertain any murderous fantasies, tell him you only long to fuck living things, and tell him that homo sapiens are the only animals you find attractive.

Tell him all of that, BGA, even if all of not all of that is exactly true.