Total Recall is bugnuts and I love it—from Arnold's bewildered, stumbling presence to the insane violence to the creepy mutants to Paul Verhoeven being preposterous and misogynist to the practical special effects to everything. Tonight, local podcasters cortandfatboy (that's how they make me spell their name now) and the Mercury (note: capitalization, spaces around words) are presenting Total Recall on the big screen at the Bagdad at 11 pm for a mere $3, and it's going to be great. I know this because it is Total Recall.

Anyway, my friends know I love Total Recall so over the years they have given me some sweet Total Recall crap! Check it out!

1. TOTAL RECALL THING I OWN NUMBER ONE: TOTAL RECALL COMIC BOOK ADAPTATION, SIGNED BY TOTAL RECALL DIRECTOR PAUL VERHOEVEN

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Published by DC Comics in 1990 with a princely MSRP of $2.95, this comic is now worth $14 million, at least to me, because Paul Verhoeven signed it, to me, with warm regards. (Note: Paul Verhoeven had nothing to do with the creation of this comic book.) At the time of its release, Total Recall was the most violent film ever made, a fact which apparently all the companies who decided to make Total Recall tie-in merchandise for children were not informed of. Hence this comic, which contains pages like this one:

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This item also contains ads for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons and Capri Sun.

2. TOTAL RECALL THING I OWN NUMBER TWO: THE NOVELIZATION OF THE FILM TOTAL RECALL, WRITTEN BY NOTED SCIENCE-FICTION AUTHOR PIERS ANTHONY

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Total Recall is based on a 1966 short story by Philip K. Dick, "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale." Other than that fact, Total Recall has more or less absolutely nothing to do with "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale," thus necessitating an entirely new prose version of the screen story, which for some inscrutable reason was written by revered author Piers Anthony. I have not read this because I cannot imagine it being any good. Also, the copy I have has a way lamer cover, but I like the one above more so that is the one I posted. One day I will read this book to my children.

3. TOTAL RECALL THING I OWN NUMBER THREE: TOTAL RECALL MOVIE TRADING CARDS COLLECTOR SET

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This is the crown jewel of my Total Recall crap! For scale, it is pictured here next to a Blu-ray of the family film Big Miracle, which stars Poison Ivy's Drew Barrymore, The Office's John Krasinski, and whales.

Remember how I said Total Recall was super violent and rated R but they still made tie-in crap for kids to buy? This is another one of those things, but at least this one has "WARNING: The Movie Photo Cards in this set contain some graphic and gruesome photos. Please be aware of this when purchasing this set" printed right on the box (albeit in tiny, tiny, parent-proof font). But it's when you open it that the true Total Recall wonders come tumbling out! There are, of course, the cards, of which the ones below are some of my favorites:

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But there's also a ton of other weird crap in the box, like a receipt from the memory-implant place...

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...and a space shuttle ticket...

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...and amazing Mars currency, which for some stupid reason is not accepted at any of this city's strip clubs...

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...and even a real rock from Mars! I do not even know how the people who made this card set thing got a real rock from Mars to put in each one of these, but regardless of how they managed it (are they astronauts in addition to being card makers?!), I think we can all agree it's pretty impressive!

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This stuff sits on my bookshelf at the Mercury office, right next to my salt lamp, and every once in a while I will look at it and think, "Wow, I sure do have a lot of Total Recall crap."