GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I'll take my place/ Upon this stage/ I'll wait till the end of time/ For you like everybody else. LET’S GO TO PRESS.
An assassin's bomb attack in Syria kills the Syrian Defense Chief and his brother-in-law during a high ranking meeting. Do I need to say it? This will not end well.
The nation’s consumer watchdog group has fined Capital One credit card $210 million for pressuring and manipulating over two million customers. Hey Capital One! What’s in your wallet?
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s chances of being a running mate for Mittens Romney are fading fast. Apparently Mittens isn’t interested in a candidate more interesting than him.
An island of ice twice the size of Manhattan has broken off a Greenland glacier. The Glacier responds, “If you leave this house… don’t you EVER come back!”
A SkyWest pilot on the lam for allegedly killing his girlfriend tried to steal a company jet, but killed himself before it got off the ground.
Billionaire heir Hans Kristian Rausing is arrested for allegedly murdering his American-born wife in Britain. Cue the tabloid furor.
The Boy Scouts reaffirm their promise to exclude "open or avowed" homosexuals—the rest of us reaffirm our promise to keep making fun of them, calling them assholes, and making life as difficult for them as humanly possible.
A 97-year-old Nazi war criminal somehow escapes. DAMN YOU, RASCALS!
Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Possibility of a shower today and tomorrow, with the week ending mostly cloudy.
And finally, a kid performs a perfect recreation of Beyonce's "Countdown" video—dressed in a Snuggie. What did YOU do today??