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[Editor's Note: Up-and-comer comedian/actor Alex Falcone—who you've seen perform with Action/Adventure theater, as well in the live talk show Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone—will be furnishing semi-regular updates from the road to give us an inside peek at the real life of a struggling comic. Want more Alex? Check out his website and follow him on that Twitter contraption (@alex_falcone).]

Episode 14: Boobs

Saturday, July 13 - Cedar Falls, IA

The theme to my weekend was "couples in which the guy talks to me about his wife's boobs while she's standing there."

On Friday I'm selling stickers at the merch booth when this guy in a John Deere hat says "Can I get a free sticker if I let you put your face between my wife's boobs?" "... Nope." "Really? Jim Norton did it."

Now I want to even less because I know Jim Norton's been there. The owner of the boobs just smiled, not encouraging nor discouraging me getting a bra's-eye view of her cleavage.

Saturday morning I was talking to a friend who had worked this club a few months back. "Have you met the woman who boffed Ron Jeremy yet?" "... Nope." "You will."

I've totally forgotten about this after the show when I'm chatting with some comedy fans who really enjoyed the show. Then the woman pulls out two jewel cases. "I've got a present for you boys." If I was in Portland I would assume it was a CD of her shitty band. It is not. It is a DVD. Of her. Having sex with Ron Jeremy. And another woman.

The road is lonely. But not quite this lonely.
  • The road is lonely. But not quite this lonely.

AFTER THE JUMP... FREE LIQUOR!!

Sunday, July 14th - Cedar Rapids, IA

Friday night there were free drinks for the audience. You paid $10 for the comedy show and got free well drinks and draught beers all night. There are so many reasons why this is insane. A random sampling:

[1] The mark-up on liquor is awesome. Take advantage of it.
[2] You can't sell somebody more comedy. Once they've paid the $10, you can't ask them for $5 more to see the headliner. But you can keep selling beer all night.
[3] Most importantly, people don't make good decisions about free whiskey. That show was the drunkest I've ever seen 50 people. They stumbled out the door like a cartoon mouse that just ate a rum cake.

The other problem with this club was that it turned into a dance club immediately following the comedy show. This is much more common than the free booze gambit but just as destructive to the comics. As the show progressed, more and more Iowans wearing their dancing shoes filtered in and stood in the back of the room by the bar doing a lot of talkity talking and not nearly enough listenity listening. And they don't buy stickers.

Weekend summary
Payment (2 shows): $300
Travel expenses: -$180
Sticker sales: $5
People entertained: ~90
New FB/Tw followers: 15 (!)
Free porno DVDs: 1 (?!?)