Look, no one is being creepy in this photo, okay. Things are very above board.
  • Look, no one is being creepy in this photo, okay. Things are very above board.

COURTNEY FERGUSON: Marjorie and I went to the Portlandia press junket yesterday. Whatever. But guys, Portlandia Mayor Kyle MacLachlan was there!!!!! This event was the culmination of 20 years of dreaming and wishing and hoping and praying that one day I would meet the man who played Special Agent Dale Cooper in Twin Peaks. The man, the legend! Creepy voyeur Jeffrey Beaumont in Blue Velvet—finder of lost ears, lover of troubled chanteuses. He who controls the spice in Dune! Owner of a very Elizabeth Berkley-chafed penis in Showgirls. Wearer of all things Scottish. Kyle's name is legion. And look up there in that pic, there I am about ready to creep the hell out of him. Except some lady did it first. As soon as Kyle walked into 23 Hoyt some aggro newspaperlady was all, "I follow you on Twitter. How was your bran muffin this morning, Kyle?" or something like that. She got the jump on my creep factor. I almost couldn't compete with that, but no worries, Blogtown readers, I was still plenty creepy.

Hit the jump for the deets on how I got an impressive piece of firewood. And creamed corn! And whatever, I guess Marjorie had some thoughts too.

MARJORIE SKINNER: So while Courtney completely glossed over everything prior to the entrance of Carl McMuffin or whatever his name is (yeah yeah, I know he was a big deal when he was on The X Files), the day started much earlier, when we arrived on the actual Portlandia set. We have been forbidden from writing about specifics of the scene we saw being filmed (via monitor, while eating the most delicious wasabi cheese EVER), you already know the most interesting new development of the forthcoming season. Otherwise, if you have ever been on the set of a film or TV show, you might also already know that it's... kinda tedious, with endless takes of the same action. On a program that involves a lot of improvised dialogue and silliness, it really makes you appreciate the power of editing to formulate what looks a little bit like aimless horsing around into a snappy, tight little segment. Particularly when there is nothing else to do for nearly two hours! Except for go visit craft services, which is charmingly located in a school bus—alas, we were not able to suss out where the wasabi cheese came from. If you have any information regarding this wasabi cheese and how to acquire more of it, please call us at 503-294-0840 immediately.

There he is!

CF: Smooth as silk in a baby factory, Kyle comes strolling into the joint. I'm sure he's all, "I feel really safe here. No one will harm me, or make me feel awkward about a TV show that they were super obsessed about in high school. Hey dude in the yellow polo shirt! You look like a nice guy!" Dude in the polo shirt: "Woh!"

MS: It was also awkward as fuck. Fred Armisen showed up first and seemed really self-conscious. And the seating arrangements made everyone who wasn't seated directly across from him feel like a loser trying to edge their way into a conversation at a party where they didn't know anyone. Luckily he and Carrie Brownstein were seated directly across from someone they already knew, so that was a nice visit for them. The rest of us twisted awkwardly around in our chairs and felt like dorks. However, they did give us free wine, which was AWESOME.

CF: And because we're in a fancy-pantsy restaurant surrounded by Northwest kitsch, there's like these logs everywhere! So I go steal one and put it in my coat. I COULD NOT HAVE PLANNED THIS BETTER! Except now it looks like the creepy girl with the overzealous glint in her eyes has acquired a blunt object with which to drag home her prey. Not far from the truth. But I hid the piece of firewood under a white tablecloth so as not to worry anyone. Now if only yellow polo shirt guy would stop hogging Kyle so I can get a word in edgewise. Okay, polo shirt usurper is gone! Go, go, go! I grab my 1991 edition of The Autobiography of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life, My Tapes, and go in for the kill.

MS: Courtney's taking the credit, but stealing that log was all my idea because I was bored as shit and needed a mission. She was just going to go over and meekly have me take a photo of her with the log all by herself, but I was all "HELL NO: BORING! Let's steal the log, bring it up here, hide it under the table, and hold it while I take a photo of you WITH CARL." This was a disappointingly easy thing to do, because I am good at stealing shit and being slick. Plus he wasn't allowed to run away from us because we are PRESS. I also had an awkward, brief conversation with Carrie about how she always pops up on my Facebook suggestions because we have so many friends in common. Then she was all, "But I'm not on Facebook!" And I was all, "Well you used to be, because you popped up, like, every day!" And then she was all, "Do you want to eat something?" And I was like, "Huh?" Anyway, I don't think she likes me, which is fine because Courtney started bugging out at me from the other end of the table to come and take this picture:

Diane, Im feeling things! Im doing things!
  • Diane, I'm feeling things! I'm doing things!

You see where Kyle wrote love?! He loves me!!

CF: I think KyleMac was scared. But he kept his cool and wrote something very gracious. Marjorie blocked the door so he couldn't bolt as soon as he saw me. A newspaperman asked me, "What's up with the firewood?" Fuckin' cretin. I'm surprised newspaperman didn't say something about putting a bird on it. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Approximately two minutes later, I had a Kyle MacLachlan autograph, a picture of myself and Dale Cooper with a tape recorder and a log. I WIN EVERYTHING!!!!!!

MS: I immediately apologized to Carl for the embarrassing behavior of my coworker.

MS: Speaking of "spoils." COURTNEY STOLE THE LOG. Like, hid it in her jean jacket and walked out, because she was too scared to get caught putting it back. I guess, if 23 Hoyt really wants it, we'll go back up there. But seriously, please just drop it because we already lost like four and a half hours of our workweek on these shenanigans and you guys have HELLA OTHER LOGS.

CF: And to top it off, this yellow blob was part of lunch.

Holy Garmonbozia! I think they served us creamed corn for lunch.


Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Time for a bottle of wine.

MS: Ew! I accidentally ate beef that I thought was a mushroom! The salmon, however, was delicious. But the best part was when another pretty media lady accidentally rested her boobs on my head, which we decided should be called "teacupping." Like teabagging, except with boobs and head. Pass it on! And thanks, Portlandia!