GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Ooh, I got work to do, I got work baby. I got a job, yeah. I got work to do, I got work to do, everybody's got work to do. LET'S GO TO PRESS.
In a bid to help Egypt reach democracy, President Obama is close to okaying a package that would relieve the country of $1 billion of its debt. NO, NO NEED TO THANK US.
While Israel debates bombing the shit out of Iran (because of their nuclear proclivities), President Obama is developing a plan to slow down proliferation without war. NO, NO NEED TO THANK US.
Obama needs a strong game plan going into this Democratic National Convention week—as no president has ever been reelected with unemployment this high. EEP.
A suicide bomber in Pakistan attacks a U.S. consulate car, killing two Pakistani civilians and wounding two consulate employees.
A gunman shooting at people and vehicles north of Seattle has been killed by police.
A football fan celebrating a touchdown at the Chik-fil-A Kickoff game falls 45 feet to his death. There are many lessons to be learned here.
If you're thinking about getting obliterated today, consider the story of the man who got so drunk he murdered 70,000 chickens.
The heir to the Red Bull fortune is suspected of killing a cop after running him over and dragging his body. THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD DAY ALREADY.
Everybody relax! Actor Russell Crowe—who was lost while kayaking—has been rescued! The genre of cinema may now continue!
Everybody relax! Vice President Joe Biden's stolen U-Haul trailer has been returned. The Democratic National Convention may now continue!
In local hillbilly news: A man is shot outside a Salem Walmart at 6 am this morning... the suspect remains at large.
In local Oregonian misspelled headlines: "'Hispter' robs Sandy Blvd. bank." (Those hipsters over at the O are using the "cool" spelling obviously.)
Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Morning clouds will eventually shove off to reveal a warm, sunny Labor Day in the upper 70s!
And finally, Chuck Norris and his wife urge you to vote! (That is if you're an evangelical Christian who fears extinction and the triumph of evil.)