Erstwhile Mercury employee Patrick Alan Coleman was renowned for his terrible My, What a Busy Week! pitches at our weekly editorial meetings. Invariably they involved hog's head slip 'n' slides or pole-jumping bingo or wedgie contests at nudist colonies, or some such nonsense. But it appears we might have a new maestro. Peep this doozy:

HEY, LADIES!—What's better than one piano? Two of them! And what's better than two pianos? Two pianos... DUELING! It's true. Mandarin Palace, notched into a part of Portland that's practically Beaverton, is making its "ladies night" that much more amazing. Enjoy the drink specials and bring your favorite song requests.
Mandarin Palace, 9225 SW Allen, Wed Sept 26, 7-10 pm, FREE, 21+

Dueling pianos at ladies night at a Chinese restaurant in Beaverton. (Tonight if you're interested!) So the question you're probably losing precious internet seconds over is: Who is this mysterious Busy Week pitcher? Let's poll it out. (Guess correctly and I'll send you their email address so you can inundate them with flash-mob and chakra-meetup press releases.)