Bullish new unemployment numbers emerged this morning—114,000 jobs added in September, lowering the rate to 7.8 percent (for the first time since early 2009!), and more jobs than previously thought added over the summer. It's even better than it sounds, because unlike in other reports where the rate went down because demoralized Americans quit looking for work, the rate went up this time even though more Americans joined the labor force.

Time to celebrate another emergent glimmer of hope on the horizon of our country's long night blah-blah? NO! It's clearly a pro-Obama conspiracy, according to Fox News, creepy Republicans, and business god Jack Welch—the new host for the alien spirit formerly animating Donald Trump. (Never mind that the head of the agency who compiles the states isn't a political appointee and that the numbers used are publicly available.)

A longer way of saying someone told lies: "In doing so, Mr. Romney used striking new language to describe his policy proposals on taxes, education and health care in ways that may assuage independent voters—but which may be sowing confusion about how Mr. Romney would govern."

Also, further evidence that Willard Romney's bottomed out in his bottom-feeding bid to woo crazy Republicans: In a desperate bid to fool moderates, he's now saying his whole "47 percent" thing, uttered unguarded, in private, among the friendliest of audiences, was "completely wrong."

The world has a new reason to be angry with civil-war-torn Syria: The shelling of a neighbor, Turkey, that could open the way to a wider regional war.

Sanctions for Iran over its presumed nuclear ambitions seem to be making a clear, unsettling difference. The value of the rial has dropped 40 percent in just the past week, sparking protests and spawning a sense of hopelessness.

The Secret Service receives the same lecture as a wayward teenager: Stop drinking so much, don't bring prostitutes to your hotel rooms on field trips, and please don't do dumb things on the internet.

Boxing has its first openly gay athlete: Orlando Cruz, the world's fourth-ranked featherweight.

Breaking news—maybe an arrest, but definitely a ridiculous amount of puns!—in the Great Maple Syrup Caper of 2012!

In case you missed it last night, the Portland City Council unanimously voted to appeal to the Oregon Court of Appeals a state board's order that Mayor Sam Adams reinstate the fired police officer who killed Aaron Campbell.

Surprise, surprise, surprise! A study finds that providing free birth control unsurprisingly leads to fewer abortions (and unwanted babies), in case you ever struggled to connect those dots all by yourself.

Oklahoma, meanwhile, comes up with an alternative form of birth control: starving low-income mothers who rely on Planned Parenthood clinics in the state for food assistance. I think I may have exaggerated that, but I don't care.

Also effective as birth control? Hulk Hogan's sex tape, which has leaked online and reportedly (I'm not watching that shit) involves footage from a security camera.