CONAN THE BARBARIAN This is the best part of the movie.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN This is the best part of the movie.
  • CONAN THE BARBARIAN This is the best part of the movie.

Though Ned disagrees with me, Conan the Barbarian is a legitimately terrible movie—one that’s a whole lot better in memory and theory than it is when some jerks sit you down and force you to watch the whole thing. Despite a widely mocked 1984 sequel (Conan the Destroyer), a half-assed tie-in (Red Sonja), and a massive bomb of a reboot, Universal is now convinced that people want to see the now-65-year-old Schwarzenegger swaggering around in a loincloth and grunting monosyllables.

Universal Pictures has made a deal for The Legend of Conan, an action film that will star Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of his signature roles as Robert E. Howard’s mythic barbarian. The deal brings Conan and Schwarzenegger back to Universal, which released the first film that launched Schwarzenegger’s movie career back in 1982….

“The original ended with Arnold on the throne as a seasoned warrior, and this is the take of the film we will make,” [producer Fredrik] Malmberg told me. “It’s that Nordic Viking mythic guy who has played the role of king, warrior, soldier and mercenary, and who has bedded more women than anyone, nearing the last cycle of his life. He knows he’ll be going to Valhalla, and wants to go out with a good battle….

“Think of this as Conan’s Unforgiven.” (Via.)

That last sentence is a perfect embodiment of everything that is glorious and terrible about Hollywood.

Admitting that my lack of appreciation for the O.G. Oliver Stone/John Milius joint might be affecting my opinion of this unasked-for sequel, I turned to two people who like Conan more than I do, Bobby Roberts and Ned Lannamann, for their reactions. Here’s what Bobby said:

I dunno. isn’t the King Conan script by Milius still available? I mean, they might as well dust that off and see if they can re-work it.

I have no idea what Bobby is talking about and I don’t care. Here’s what Ned said:

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Ned later added, “please incorporate this photo into your post thanks.”

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Which I have now done, and that is all that any of us have to say about The Legend of Conan. At least they won’t have any trouble tracking down the sword.

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

9 replies on “Conan Will Be Back, Also Will Be Old”

  4. If this can happen, maybe the Coen’s “Old Fink” will really happen one day, too.

    The “Solomon Kane” movie was pretty good, by the way, which shows that Howard’s characters can translate well if done right. But the original Conan also has one of my favorite scenes from the stories, where a crucified Conan straight kills a bird with his teeth.

  5. I want to see Conan’s “Barfly” and watch the washed-up old fuck go out with one good battle in a Cimmerian alley (which ends with Frank Stallone ripping Arnold’s head right off his body).

  6. Am I the only one who thinks old-warrior-Conan-who-hopefully-talks-very-little-and-utters-zero-one-liners might make for an acceptable ass-kicking-with-swords movie?

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