BREAKFAST AT DENNYS Yeah, dude, that waitress is totally into you.
  • BREAKFAST AT DENNY'S "Yeah, dude, that waitress totally wants to bang you."

Wheee! I'm sick and doped up on unholy amounts of NyQuil, which means I'm doing everything super slowly and am easily confused. So the one stupid job I was supposed to do today—picking the lucky winner who gets to go to Dennys' with me and Steve and eat a Hobbit-themed breakfast—is beyond my meager capabilities.

So I'm going to make you do my job for me, because fuck it, that's why. (Also because I told Steve to do it and this is how he responded.) Below are the top three entries, and it's up to you, Blogtown readers, to pick the best—and thus pick the winner who shall get to go to Denny's with me and Steve! A reminder of the rules:

In the comments below, note which Hobbit-themed menu item you will be ordering, and why. (Last year you nerds went apeshit with the haikus for that Lord of the Rings in Concert ticket giveaway, which means I will give extra credit to any entries composed as a haiku.) Steve and I Blogtown readers will then choose the best and/or least annoying comment and then contact that person about when we'll all be going to get second breakfast! And then... then we shall depart on a quest the likes of which has not been witnessed since the Third Age!!! To Denny's!!!

Okay. So:

This one was selected because (A) is a haiku and (B) there's a Green Dragon reference. The Green Dragon of Portland or the Green Dragon of the Shire, you ask? Who are you to ask such things! POSSIBLY HE MEANS BOTH, you don't know how JustinPDX rolls, for all you know he rolls hardcore.

Hobbit Hole Breakfast
I'll be hungover from drinking
At the Green Dragon


This one was selected because (A) nepotism and (B) yay, comics! We could put the comic about our unexpected journey up on the blog after!

HEY ME DUH. 1.) I legitimately want to go. 2.) I adore both of you. 3.) I will make comics about it. 4.) Lonely Mountain Treasure


This one was selected because it is almost as long as The Silmarillion, but, unlike The Silmarillion, shit actually happens in it. I almost did not select it because of its libelous claim that I like Farscape (I MOST ASSUREDLY DO NOT), but then I decided to be a grown up about it.

The day broke and dawn worked its way through the mists of Jantzen Beach. Three adventurers surveyed the land before them. The ground was hard and blasted as far as the eye could see. No tree grew here, nor blade of grass. In the distance lay a great pit, the ruins of some great structure now cast down. Twisted girders poked at the sky like dark teeth, and the adventurers wondered how such a vision of Dagorlad had found its way into their world. It was a barren land, far from home, and to lay eyes on it caused the hearts of the three to go heavy.

"This quest is a fools errand," said William, eldest of the three. "We should not have come here. This cursed place will swallow us fore we find the shelter we seek."

"Not so," said Erik, the most obsessed with Farscape of their band. "We must persevere. I have heard tell that the dining halls of this place rival those of even Rivendell, and that their food is sweeter to the tongue than even the lembas of Galadriel."

"Look!" shouted me, the winner of the breakfast contest, "There, to the east!"

They raised their hands to their brows, shielding their eyes against the assault of the dawning sun. It hung just over the horizon, a half globe of yellow piercing the black and gray of the landscape that surrounded them. As they focused their vision a second object became clear, sitting just below the sun. It too was yellow, and the sight of it warmed their spirits.

"Behold," said me, "The sigil that we seek."

It was the shape of a shield, laid on its side. It sat raised above the bleak landscape atop a great pole, and while the pole was made of the black metal that marred so much of the terrain the sign itself glowed as if the light of Anor itself rested within it. It was a beacon to the weary travelers, one that spoke of a warm hearths and hearty meals. As the three adventurers walked towards the Denny's each smiled that even in a realm so blasted and desolate they might still find a place such as this, something good in the world, something worth fighting for.

(the pancakes)