I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back when the book is finished. —Dan
Originally published February 21, 2008:
I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 30. He's been married three times and has six children from a variety of women. I know, I know, it sounds bad. But he's one of those guys who wanted a family. Anyway, long story short, I feel insecure because he has had a MILLION experiences and I have not. So I asked him to take his porn off our computer. He did so.
When I came home today and sat at the computer, I noticed there was lubricant next to the keyboard. I thought to myself, "That's not where I saw you last." I looked at his folders (I KNOW: violation of privacy) and I didn't see any porn. So I went to the internet browser to look at the "history" and guess what? It had all been deleted. I know his computer is not set to automatic history clearance, so he had to clear it manually.
Can I be a bitch and ask him about this? "I noticed that you deleted your history—and what is the lube doing here?" Or should I let it drop? I know it's unrealistic to expect him never to masturbate. I just don't want him looking at other girls while he does. My bitchy side is just ROARING to get out. HELP!
Keep The Bitch Caged
My response after the jump...
What we have here, KTBC, is a failure to correctly diagnose the problem.
Why is this 30-year-old, thrice-married, six-times-a-father guy with you? Because men like your boyfriend prefer to date pathetic, inexperienced 20-year-olds because they're foolish enough—you are foolish enough—to swallow his bullshit ("I'm one of those guys who always wanted a family") and regurgitate it on cue ("He's one of those guys who always wanted a family"). Someone who wants a family doesn't start and destroy three of them before age 30. Those aren't the actions of an aspiring family man, little miss; those are the actions of a sociopath.
As for his masturbatory habits, KTBC, as I see it, the more of his supercharged spunk that winds up in dirty T-shirts and crusty socks, the better. Married three times, six kids by a variety of women, and a 20-year-old girlfriend who, due to her youth and inexperience, fails to see his marital and reproductive histories for the relationship-ending deal breakers they ought to be, and who sends advice columnists letters about his porn use instead of, say, the most effective possible forms of birth control available to her: Once again, KTBC, the more of his spunk that winds up in the laundry, and not in you, the better.
Dump him. DTMFA. And find a new boyfriend—not one who never masturbates, as that man doesn't exist. All men masturbate (most women do, all should), all men look at porn (many women do, more should), and all women need to get over the porn and masturbation thing. If you want a male in your life who you can order never to look at porn or masturbate—if you want a male you can castrate—get a dog.