Stay tuned to the news this morning, if your nerves can take it after the week we've had. A shooting has been reported at a Connecticut elementary school, and early details are extremely sketchy about what's happening.

A judge in Southern California hacked 10 years off a rapist's sentence because, you know, "if someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down." He was hollered at but remains on the bench.

Susan Rice, President Obama's pick to replace Hillary Clinton at State, folds under relentlessly nasty Republican opposition to her nomination—paving the way for someone like secret Scooby-Doo villain John Kerry to run our foreign policy.

The CIA's use of harsh interrogation techniques—AKA torture—wasn't very effective, a report unsurprisingly shows.

Whoops! Russia takes back whatever it said about Syria's government imminently collapsing amid a civil war that's grown increasingly sectarian. But this war is providing the United States and NATO a good reason to stick their missiles in more places, like neighboring Turkey.

Israel's militant and un-PC foreign secretary—the right-hand bulldog for Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu—has had to quit his post because of corruption charges.

Republican-controlled states spent so much time crossing their fingers and praying and prayed for the demise of federal health care reform that the only way they can comply with the law is to let the fat-cat, government expansionists in Washington run it for them.

The wannabe cool-dad governor of Louisiana says he's not like those other fuddy-duddy Republicans: If it were up to him birth control would be sold over the counter.

Obama don't give a shit if you put fire to whatever intoxicating plants are legal in your state and inhale the smoke. Deliberately trolling pot-smokers, he says he's got "bigger fish to fry." But pay attention: He also used the word "recreational," so any of you would-be pot plantation owners in Clark County shouldn't get any ideas.

One of those bigger fish is House Speaker John Boehner (R-Marmalade)—who may or may not be considering an emergency tax compromise that spares everyone but the super-wealthy from paying a modest tax increase.

The man who invented the barcode also worked on the top secret project that led to the world's first nuclear explosion. Now he's dead.

OH! OH! AND MAYBE, MAYBE, MAYBE, HE WAS A DEVIL WORSHIPER WITH A DEEP AFFECTION FOR BOOTY-BUMPING REMIXES OF POPULAR SONGS BY THE EAGLES.