Help Wanted: We're Looking for a News Reporter!

Comments

1
I don't write very well, already have a full time job, am painfully introverted 90% of the time, procrastinate like no ones business, drink all the coffee without making a new pot, and maybe even cook fish in the microwave.

I think I'm a good fit. Expect my resume tomorrow!
2
what's "social media"? What do you mean by "snappy"? And where do I buy the Mercury, anyway?
3
You should get that guy Bix aka Chris Frankonis to write for you! I miss his scathing political reviews, tight prose, and the way he made the City Council squirm with his logic and research. Not just because I've known the guy in the Portland community over the years, but I really hella miss that Portland Communique.
5
I'm glad you offered me this position. I think it'll be a great fit for everyone involved.
6
You'd have to get different glasses Graham.
7
I'm perfect for this. I can just tweet the hard news right?
8
A few glaring, imprudent omissions from your job description:

- Regular commenters need not apply, no matter how many 'likes' you average per thread.

- Must be comfortable with being inundated with poo poo/pee pee jokes on a daily basis.

- Big time, major, extra, MEGA points for reporters that make it a point to move their bowels at home (or the courthouse) rather than at the office.

- Again, regular commenters need not apply ('regular' meaning more than one comment per forever).

- Must know how to spell 'Connecticut'.

- Those applicants attaching the sparkling clean results of a battery of recent STI tests will move to the front of the line.
9
Well. Good Luck with that. Hopefully she'll stop the suckfest that is Bitch. (Because it's fucking awful. All of it. It's actually worse than Jezebel.)
10
"...the bowels of the Central Eastside"? It's not Calcutta, guys. Or Kolkata, either.

Anyway, pick somebody who likes bad jokes.
11
Hire Kiala.
12
I got this. Clock in. Paraphrase Gawker entries and links and update them on the daily blogtown. Make a few calls, hang out with advertising guys, pick up some office litter and then go home. Collect check, repeat. Igot this......
13
I will sing all my news reports right up in your face and in imperfect pitch.

Where do I sign??
14
Hang on, do we get a vote?
15
@browner

"pick up some office litter..."

HAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAA! RIGHT.
16
Dumbest comment thread evah.
17
PEW! PEW! PEW!