[1] Be incredibly funny all the time. Twitter is great at two things. Celebrity news and jokes about celebrity news. Since you don't have any new information to contribute to the world, your only option is to make fun of the celebrity news you just read.
[2] Remember: people don't care how funny you are. This isn't like Facebook where people can sign in later and see hilarious joke about Chris Brown, people only see it if they're looking at Twitter RIGHT NOW. And they aren't. So until you cross the million followers mark expect 3 out of 4 tweets to go unnoticed.
[3] When you get followed by spam bots, get excited anyway. That's pretty much all you'll get for the first couple years, hence nobody responding to your sick Chris Brown burn. But a number is a number! Consider it a measure of self-worth when you receive an e-mail announcing your new follower @NakedBritney who is "just trying this site" and wants you to check out her profile.
[4] Enjoy the mystery of links. Because most links are shortened, you won't have any idea what you're clicking on until you get there. Think of it like a treasure hunt without any treasure. Pretty much everything you click on will disappoint you. Especially Naked Britney who isn't naked on any of the preview images.
4 more after the jump including more tweets from Jose Canseco!
[5] Remember: nobody is using Twitter. It seems like everybody is on Twitter because people on the TV talk about all the time, but they're famous and you're not. You know how all your mom's friends are on Facebook? Your friends aren't even on Twitter.
[6] Even if your friends are on Twitter, don't follow them. Facebook knows that you only care about pictures of cats and weddings (once I saw pictures of a cat wedding and it blew my mind). Twitter stays out of your business. So all your friends drunk tweets about being drunk and hungry tweets about being hungry and all the "good mornings" and "good nights", those ALL show up on your feed. So you don't want to follow your friends anyway.
[7] Stop using hashtags. We get that you can label your stuff with little extra jokes in long hashtags, but don't. Seriously.
[8] Sit back and enjoy the crazy people. I've written about Jose Canseco who continues to not disappoint ("Can anybody get me a lunch with the Supreme Court of Canada leader? #yeswecanseco"). He's the best part of Twitter by a fair margin. Other greats include Hulk Hogan (who calls everybody "brother" and signs all his tweets HH because the name and picture aren't enough) and Donald J. Trump (who hates windmills more than Don Quixote).
Since nobody you care about is on Twitter and nobody is reading your Tweets, the best thing to do is follow all the crazy people you can and just sit back and watch the shit show go by.
