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STAND-UP—Of all the hilarious people who have held down SNL's Weekend Update, comedian Seth Meyers reigns, providing sardonic roasts of everyone who was unlucky enough to make the news that week. Now you can check out Seth's stand-up in this one-night-only affair at the Newmark, where he will certainly bust the guts of all in attendance. WSH
Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 8 pm, $44.75

MUSIC—Dante's has been bringing us good, clean, sleazy fun for 13 years. What better way to celebrate their decade than with legendary rockers X! The LA band has been serenading us with riffs since the '70s, and can make even the most skeptical listeners interested in punk again. You might want to case the door—this anniversary show is selling out! RF
w/Fireballs of Freedom, No Tomorrow Boys; Dante's, 350 W Burnside, 9 pm, $25