I am a long-time reader—I read your column in Seattle in the ‘90s—and never thought I would need to write you, but this one stumps me.
I’m a GGG, straightish lady in her 30s. I hooked up with a young’un about a month ago. He was hot, interested, fun. We had protected sex and I followed your Campsite Rules. I have never done any kegel exercises, but I have a pretty strong twat. In the past, I have managed to pull (with my vagina) a condom off. I say this reluctantly. When I say “managed” I actually mean “against my knowledge.” This has happened with boyfriends, hook-ups—at various stages in the act. They were always impressed with my control of my vaginal muscles. What I am trying to say, is that, in various circumstances, I have pulled condoms off of my lovers’ cocks with my twat while we were having sex. Some had come, some had not.
It happened again last night. With the same cute 21-year-old young'un I hooked up with a month ago. He came over, we started to get hot and heavy. I grabbed a condom. We’re on the bed, fucking. He finishes and pulls out and the condom is not on his cock. He freaks out. Where is the condom? I tell him I don’t know. I really don’t know. He’s picking up my comforter, flapping it around, looking for the condom. "What did you do with the condom?" he demands to know. "What did I do with it?" I ask. I put my fingers in my vagina to make sure the condom isn't in there and it isn’t. Cut to the cute boy putting on his clothes. He’s upset. He thinks I’m trying to get pregnant! WHAT! THE! FUCK! I’m not trying to get pregnant! For realsies. I tell him I will go to CVS and get myself Plan B because I have no idea where that fucking condom is. He leaves.
FAST FORWARD 12 HOURS.
It was in my twat. All that time, despite my attempt to find it in my twat a few hours earlier. I feel like a moron. My fucking Venus Fly Trap Twat pulled the fucking condom off another dick.
So, Dan, here's what I need to know: Should I worry about getting pregnant? Really worry? I will buy Plan B if I need to. If not, I’d like to keep the $40.
Venus Fly Trap Does Not Want To Get Preggers
My response after the jump...
Since you know your twat has these amazing powers of condom-removal, VFTDNWTGP, why not mention that superpower to new partners before their condom-covered dicks are in your twat? Why not plan ahead? Inform the dudes ahead of time, advise them to check once or twice during the fucking to make sure the condoms are still on, and you check once or twice too. (It's not difficult to do: just let your hand drift down and quickly feel for the condom. Or leave the lights on and look.) The freaking out and the flapping comforter and the baseless accusations—all of that could've been avoided if you had told the cute 21-year-old young'un that he should let his hand drift down to his shaft once or twice to verify that the condom was still on. You should also advise guys to grip the base of the condom when they're getting ready to pull out, so they don't leave the condoms in when they pull their dicks out.
As for whether you should invest $40 in Plan B, take it away, Planned Parenthood:
Like all birth control methods, condoms are more effective when you use them correctly.
• Each year, 2 out of 100 women whose partners use condoms will become pregnant if they always use condoms correctly.
• Each year, 18 out of 100 women whose partners use condoms will become pregnant if they don't always use condoms correctly.
Mistakes that allow for leakage—semen leaking out of the condom—are the #1 way in which condoms are used incorrectly. (Leakage is such a problem that Planned Parenthood offers this somewhat unrealistic recommendation for making condoms more effective: "pull out before ejaculation.") If a condom slips off—if a condom is left in you overnight—there was definitely leakage, VFTDNWTGP, and you're definitely at risk of pregnancy.
Go the pharmacy, invest $40 in emergency contraception, and warn the next dude, okay?
My new book—American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics—comes out in May 28. Preorder it now!