GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Love was out to get me. Now that's the way it seemed. Disappointment haunted all my dreams. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

In a shocking turn of events, the sequestration cuts that went into effect last Friday have the potential for hurting the poor the most—as well as cutting health insurance for children. BASTARDS.

In more sad children news, the baby born to parents who were in killed by a Brooklyn hit and run driver has died.

In good children news, thanks to research a toddler has been "functionally cured" of HIV.

Gunmen kill at least 40 Syrians on their way back home to Iraq.

Obama names three new cabinet members—including Sylvia Mathews Burwell, head of the Wal-Mart Foundation. Watch out, Prez! She'll run you out of business!

For those of you who don't know enough to realize when a meme is over, 15 miners in Australia get fired after posting their own "Harlem Shake" video.

The band Train drops the Boy Scouts of America for their homophobic policies; sorry, but America still thinks that Train sucks.

The Cardinals come together for their first day of meetings to decide who will be the next Pope. Or in other words, finding the sex offender who's the least sex offender-ish.

The Oregonian is starting a new "bicycling blog." In a related story, dinosaurs died millions of years ago.

The Timbers play an "insane" season opener, tying the New York Red Bulls 3-3. Check out all the hot live blog action with Mercury footie correspondent Brian Gjurgevich!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A gorgeous, sunny 56 degrees today, with showers returning tomorrow through Thursday.

And finally, Macklemore and Ryan performed "Thrift Shop" on Saturday Night Live, and I was like, "Damn, that's a cold ass honky."