The anti-gay haters argued before the Supreme Court that marriage needs to be reserved for straight couples because straight sex makes babies. This is not a new argument. And it goes like this: since gay couples have to plan to make babies—since we can't get drunk and adopt one night—we don't need marriage. Because, um, you see... marriage is about kids, it's about raising children, and children that are planned for don't really need married parents. The families of planned-for children don't need the rights and protections of marriage. Because they don't. They just don't. Only unplanned children need married parents. (And, of course, planned-for children with straight parents—they should be allowed to marry on a technicality.) And everyone knows that if you let gay people marry, well, then lots and lots of straight people will refuse to marry. Because why would straight people want to get married if gay people were getting married? Straight people hate gay people so much! And this will lead to lots more children being born to unmarried straight parents. Because that's how much straight people hate gay people: straight people hate gay peopel so much that they'll harm themselves and harm their own children in order to express their contempt for gay people. Because straight people suck.
Which brings us to this morning's big news: Lindsay Lohan may be pregnant. Can you see the logic in the anti-gay haters' argument now? The fact that there might be a fetus steeping in a puddle of gin inside Lindsay Lohan is the #1 reason why marriage must be reserved exclusively for heterosexuals. Reserve marriage rights for heterosexuals and Lindsay will do right by her gin-pickled child... just like Lindsay's straight parents did right by her.
The defense-of-traditional-marriage rests its case, your honor.