GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! No more standin' there beside the walls. I done got myself together, baby. And now I'm havin' a ball. LET'S GO TO PRESS.
Rutgers University head basketball coach Mike Rice is FIRED after ESPN shows video of him verbally abusing players, screaming obscenities such as "fucking fairy" and "faggot." Sounds like my high school coach!
North Korea is apparently really pissed now, because they're blocking South Korean workers from entering a joint industrial complex which the two countries have shared for years. Ummm... who's going to make the coffee in the morning?
44 killed and nearly 100 wounded in an epic nine-hour Afghan firefight—34 of those killed were civilians.
Israel and Gaza are at it again, with the heaviest bombing and attacks since their truce.
Beloved film critic Roger Ebert has pledged to slow down somewhat after discovering that his cancer has returned. :(
The International Space Station discovers a tiny smidge of the elusive "dark matter"—but luckily they had enough toilet paper, because, you know, "dark matter" could be also construed as "poop" and wow, now I'm really wishing I hadn't gone down this road.
Two men are found guilty for attempting to rob and murder British singing star Joss Stone—and hoooo boy! These guys sound KARAZY.
The Rolling Stones are oiling up their walkers and emptying their colostomy bags for yet another concert tour.
Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Enjoy today's partially sunny skies and temps up to 70—because cooler, wetter weather is on its way.
And finally, in this news clip, a woman plays an April Fool's joke on her family, telling them she murdered her husband and needs some help burying him. The police don't think it's funny—but even after being arrested? She still thinks it's kind of hilarious! (I love her so much.)