I am a 26-year-old gay woman. I recently broke up with a woman who is adorable, clever, and great, but I wasn't particularly attracted to sexually, despite everything else being spot on. We have remained friends, and I don't think that there is any weirdness there.
Here's the weirdness: I have recently become hugely attracted to someone at work. This woman is in a relationship, but I can't tell whether she likes me or not. I have never gone for anyone in a relationship but equally have never felt as strongly about anyone as I do when I am with this girl. We get on like a house on fire, she makes me laugh, and she is simply gorgeous. She constantly appears at my house for dinner or to hang out, drops everything at a moment's notice to see me, we have huge and significant conversations, and there have been several odd moments of what I think is sexual tension. I have a lot of good straight friends, but I have never experienced frisson with any of them.
This woman has an intensely Catholic and seriously boring boyfriend who I met and didn't think very much of. Some mutual friends met him at the same time, and they agreed.
I have received conflicting advice about what I should do. Tell her that I like her even though that is likely pointless, as she is with someone? Or do I just leave it, as she is with someone? My lesbian friend reckons straight women can't change their spots, my straight friend says that someone wanting to spend time with you all the time is a sign that she might like me in that way.
What should I do?
Charged Relationship Unto Sad Heartbreak
My response after the jump...
Your friends are right: Straight women can't change their spots. That's true. But a boyfriend doesn't prove she's straight. There are lots of straight-identified bisexual women out there—that's most of the bisexual women out there—and straight-identified-bi-women have been known to exchange male partners for female partners. Happens all the time.
And while some would question the ethics of hitting on someone who is in a relationship, there are lots of gay, straight, or bi people out there who used to be in unfulfilling relationships with, say, seriously boring Catholics until something/someone better came along and hit on 'em. This woman might want out of her boring relationship but doesn't see a good reason to end it right now.
You could be that reason, CRUSH.
I'm not saying that this woman is definitely into you. But you say she's sending signals that she might be interested in you. Control for wishful thinking by running those signals by your friends, CRUSH, and if your friends think there's a halfway decent chance she's interested, hit on this woman. Don't pounce on her—don't go all Fritz Wendel on her Natalia Landauer (don't make love to her on her father's library sofa)—just tell her that you've got a crush on her and if she's bisexual and attracted to you and planning to being single-and-available sometime soon, you're definitely interested.
If she's not bi or not into you or not planning to be single again soon—or if she's some combo of the three—you apologize for messing up, acknowledge that things will be awkward between you for a bit, and ask her to give you a few weeks to smother your crush before (hopefully) picking up your friendship where you left off.
And if she is bi, is into you, and is planning to be single again soon, well, Yahtzee for you, right?