Do you lay awake at night because someone might "force" something "poisonous" on your water? Or that "wingnuts" will shout loudest and drown out "sane science"? Do you give a shit about Metro's ability to manage open spaces? Or how about our city's continuing commitment to helping disadvantaged children thrive?

Of course you do! So pay attention and do exactly what I say: REGISTER TO VOTE. The deadline to sign up for a ballot in the May 21 election is today. TODAY. AS IN, THIS IS AN OFFER THAT EXPIRES PROMPTLY AT 12 MIDNIGHT.

The easiest way: Hit up the Multnomah County Elections Office's website. You can download a registration form and find answers to questions like, "If I'm already registered, but moved since the last election, do I have to register again?" (Yes please!) Or? Go right to the cleverly named website maintained by the Oregon Secretary of State's Office.

Or... if you're a Luddite who shuns fire and electricity and pirated wireless, show up at 1040 SE Morrison or call 503-988-3720. Copies of registration forms are also in phonebooks, and in post offices, libraries, schools, and DMV offices. So long as the postmark has today's date, you're golden.

Any Oregonian 17 or older is eligible (provided you'll be 18 on or before Election Day). And no one should feel left out if they're currently houseless. List the place you sleep most often as your residence—be as detailed as possible, providing details like cross streets—and then use a friend's place, a shelter, a PO box, or even the county elections office as a mailing address where your ballot will be sent.

Now hurry up, get out there, and fart in the general direction of history!