Oklahoma's having a dreadful May. Less than two weeks after a monster storm killed dozens, a fresh batch of storms has wrought fresh havoc.

As Salem squabbles over how best to alter the state's public pension system, the New York Times has this cautionary note: States around the country are, sort of disingenuously, padding their budget numbers with mercurial pension savings, meaning their money problems still exist.

And guess what? Portland's doing the exact same thing.

Shit is getting still-more bizarre in the case of a Chechen national—a suspected ally of the Boston Marathon bombers—gunned down in his kitchen by an FBI agent. First they said he had a knife. Then it turned out he didn't have a knife? Now, authorities say, he had a "metal stick." Seriously—read this Washington Post article— that's the only descriptor. Not a "metal rod," or one of those long, sort-of-pointy knife sharpeners you see. Just a "metal stick." What are our guesses on this? Maybe a kebab skewer? Or an actual stick, snapped off in a moment of confusion from a metal tree replica? This reporter's confused.

Protestors are clashing, sometimes violently, with Turkish authorities, calling for the country's Islamist prime minister to step down. The protests' potential spark? A law passed last week "restricting the sale and advertisement of alcoholic drinks."

Not that you require more proof our military is a disgusting, rapey mess, but here you go: The US Naval Academy is trying to figure out whether three of its football players sexually assaulted a female student/midshipman.

The deadliest fire in Houston Fire Department history killed four of the city's firefighters yesterday.

Oh look! Russia's getting worse on gay rights. Just sort of looking at what the West does and churlishly doing the opposite, at this point.

Just in time for the Golden Anniversary of the JFK assassination, a Dallas woman is graciously offering to sell her home, which housed Lee Harvey Oswald in the weeks before he pulled the trigger. The price? A fitting $500,000! You know, in light of the 50th anniversary and all! Because presidential assassinations are now a reason to stage cutesy deals on property affiliated with the assassin! God damn it, Texas.

Hey! Hey you! You're paying FAR too much for all those colonoscopies. (And everything else associated with your physical wellbeing.)

The terrifying octogenarian teeth of Mr. Dick Van Dyke? Solid titanium.

Weather Widget! Sweet, gift-bestowing lady! Paragon of virtue and beauty! We are shamed by your brilliance, awed by your grace! And I've been reading too much fantasy lately!

You guys need to find me today? Shouldn't be too tough. I'll be the dude PRANCERCISING all over town.