This one really ticked me off:

Who said I stopped writing my responses drunk? I mean, I'm not drunk every time I sit down to write a column—sometimes I have to write in the morning—but I've typically had one or two or three. Basically readers should assume I was drunk when I wrote the column and take that fact into consideration before acting on my advice. Obviously.

Anyway, to prove that I still write responses drunk, I went home and Terry made me three Mai Tais and, well, here we go...

I am a sixty-year-old straight male. The wife and I have been married for almost thirty years and have always had a pretty vanilla, but very satisfying relationship. Both of us exercise regularly and eat healthy and have gotten grayer, but we aren't fat or disgusting and we still have all of our teeth. We aren't teenagers, but we don’t feel like we are old either.

Over the last few years I have been pretty surprised that my sex drive has diminished and along with it my ability to maintain an erection. I mentioned it to my regular doctor and he tested me and found that I had low testosterone levels and he sent me to a urologist for treatment. The urologist checked me out and gave me a rx for Viagra. The magic pills work like a charm... but I always feel like I am cheating and I don't always plan enough in advance so sometimes I'm not as ready as I could be. The wife is thrilled that the pills make me thick as a brick and hard as a rock, and I know that it is always more satisfying than if I was laying there limp and frustrated.

Is this what I have to look forward to? Pills to make me hard?

Lacking In My Penis

My drunken response after the jump...

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You don't have to look forward to pills that make you hard. Pills are making you hard! Right now! Today! And aren't you lucky! In the pre-Viagra days, LIMP, sixty-year-old men with limp dicks stood around, limp dicks in their hands, wishing someone would invent a pill that makes limp dicks thick as a bricks and hard as a rocks. And someone did! And that magic boner pills works for you and your dick! So you don't have to stand around with your limp dick in your hand wishing someone would invent a boner pill! Because! Someone! Already! Did!

So you can take your boner pills, get thick as a brick and hard as a rock, and fuck the duck out of the wife! And after you've blown your sixty-year-old load in the wife—no birth control worries anymore!—you can lay back and thank your lucky stars that you don't have to live the rest of your days on this earth bonerless due to a medical condition (low testosterone) that routinely afflicts older men. Because someone invented boners pills!

Or... you know... instead of being grateful to live in the days of boner pills... you can swan around having an existential crisis about it, LIMP, and ask silly questions like, "Is this what I have to look forward to?" Do you know what you have to look forward to, LIMP? Boners. You have boners to look forward to. Lots and lots of boners. Lucky you!

Finally, LIMP, your question reminded me of this classic Louis C.K. routine...

...which is subtitled here for my Russian readers.

So how'd I do?