I read with some empathy the letter from EFFED in this week's column. She who wrote that her husband’s cuckold fantasies are crushing her self-esteem. You replied that her husband’s cuckolding fantasies don’t mean he finds her unattractive—they mean the exact opposite. In case EFFED has any doubts about your interpretation, I can concur. I happen to be intensely turned on by cuckolding fantasies about my wife of 26 years. At the same time, I could not be more in love with her, and she is the absolute epitome of what I find attractive. The idea of being deeply in love with one’s wife yet intensely aroused by thoughts of her with other men seems paradoxical. This can be confusing for the subject of the fantasies, since most women are taught to associate true love with a desire for exclusivity. After much introspection in my own case, I’ve come to believe that the cuckolding fetish is fueled by two main factors.
1. A deep seated, perhaps even subconscious fear of losing one’s wife, and...
2. An honest belief that one’s wife is amazingly desirable.
The former explains the intensity of the feelings involved, and the latter ties in to a male’s desire for status. We cuckolds believe our wives are so gorgeous, we want other men to know what we’ve got. It’s like owning a Lamborghini. You can’t show it off by keeping it under a cover. If you want another man to feel envious, let him sit in the fine leather seats, step on the gas, and feel what it’s like to drive.
My response—and AC's response to my response and my response to his—after the jump...
Does your wife actually cuckold you, AC? How did she react when you rolled this fantasy out?—Dan
My wife is not at all interested in any type of extramarital activities. She well is aware of my fantasies, however, and indulges me (somewhat reluctantly) verbally. It’s been too long for me to remember her exact first reactions, but like I wrote earlier, I’m sure she must have questioned how I could love her if I wanted other men to have sex with her. Women might also worry that such fantasies are a prelude to the man wanting extramarital sex. The status quo we’ve arrived at is that she is resigned to participating in verbal fantasizing with me, although it becomes wearying for her if I concentrate on this too much. If I were to seriously pressure her to have sex with someone else, it would upset her to the extent that I would have to back off or risk ruining our marriage. Thanks for writing back, and thanks for your work.—AC
A few more questions, AC, if that's okay. Do you make a conscious effort not to "go there" too much? Out of consideration for your wife's feelings do you only indulge verbally on occasion? And are you grateful for the distance she's willing to go or are you frustrated that you won't ever realize your fantasies in real life?—Dan
As for my wife’s feelings, it’s a bit of a tightrope walk. I do tend to push her boundaries, but I’m careful not to push too far. I indulge fairly frequently, since it happens to be the thing that most reliably gets me off. I do make an effort on occasion to climax through other types of stimulation, but this can also be trying for her because it may take a long time. Am I grateful? Absolutely! When she is of a mind to indulge me without reservation it makes me feel both physically pleasured and loved. I also feel tinges of guilt that the situation is rather one-sided. I would love nothing more than to indulge her fantasies in return. I feel like I would do anything for her, but she has never admitted to any sort of unsatisfied kinks or desires; her own tastes are quite "vanilla."
Am I frustrated that I can’t experience this in real life? Not really. There are so many things about my wife that I’m grateful for, I’m not walking around pouting over an unfulfilled desire that by most standards is outrageous anyway. I’m also aware of the possibility that actualizing these fantasies could have emotion results that were unexpected. Ultimately there are all sorts of activities I can imagine that would be highly arousing to me but are off-limits for some reason, and that’s probably a good thing. The world is not going to be a better place if people like me just give in to debauchery.—AC
Not sure I entirely agree with you there, AC. The world isn't harmed when people like you can give in to debauchery—so long as your partners are willing, and you debauch safely and everyone's feelings and needs are taken into consideration. And a few more questions...
Husband is into cuckolding, wife isn't, but wife is willing to indulge a bit during dirty talk—there are a lot of couples out there taking just this approach to handling a husband's cuckolding fantasies. But when does the dirty talk go to far? Does the wife always feel like she is being subjected an extended psy-ops campaign here? Does the wife ultimately feel pressured to do this for the husband one day? How does your wife feel about it, about you, and about its place in your sex life? I'd like to run your letter as the SLLOTD. Would your wife be willing to write me a companion letter to run along side it?—Dan
I really don’t know if my wife would want to write a companion letter. I’m not even sure if it would upset her to see what I’ve written. She’s not here at the moment so I can’t ask at this time. As for the very good questions you raise, I think I know the answer to some of them.
When does the dirty talk go too far? When the emotional hurt it inflicts on the wife outweighs any pleasure it provides the husband. A (non-sadist) husband who truly loves his wife does not want to drive her to tears to achieve his own orgasm. It would ruin the pleasure and make him feel like a selfish jerk.
Does the wife always feel like she is being pressured to do this one day? That would depend on the couple and how hard the husband is actually pushing. In my own case, I do not push for actualization.
How does my wife feel about it? No doubt she would be happier if I were turned on by something less onerous to her, or if I would at least keep my cuckolding thoughts to myself. Like any couple, I’m sure she would prefer us to have desires that are always mutual. How does it make her feel about me? Well, it’s not the way she would prefer me to be, but she hasn’t dumped me over it. Perhaps it helps that I often express how much I love, desire, and appreciate her.—AC
That concludes my email exchange with AC. And now a quick note to my readers...
I'm sure some of you are ready to jump down AC's throat for comparing his wife to a Lamborghini. He's literally objectifying his wife! He's compared her to a car, a thing he owns, a material possession! Yes, yes. He did do that. But he also clearly loves his wife and sees her as as person too. He sees her as her own person; he sees her as a person with feelings, needs, and desires of her own and he seems pretty thoughtful and considerate about his wife's feelings, needs, and desires. So he gets a pass on the objectification thing here. Because to be objectified—sexually—is only dehumanizing when someone sees you as nothing but an object. Yes, AC sees his wife as an object on some level. And you know what? She is an object on some level. We are all objects on some level. And each one of us wants to be wanted not just for the person we are, dear readers, but also for the object that we are.
So I don't think the Lamborghini analogy is disrespectful—not when considered in the full context of AC's other remarks about his wife.