Dan Savage is on a book tour, so please enjoy this Savage Love letter from our archives. And buy his new book, American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics! This letter was originally published Dec 1, 2005:
My boyfriend, Jason, is having problems with a boy named Roger who is obsessed with him. But because Roger is friends with Jason and Jason's friends, Jason won't just tell him off. Roger had the audacity to call Jason today and ask about our sex life. Roger is not only making Jason's life hell, but he is also making their shared friends' lives hell. On top of it all, Roger called Jason's ex, Cody, and told him about me. Cody is a very sweet boy and does not need Roger making him feel like shit because Jason is dating someone new.
I don't want to get in the middle of this. I just want to know if you have any ideas I can relay to Jason as to what to do about Roger?
Really Mean Friend
My response after the jump...
Ah, college drama.
Your letter really took me back, RMF. When I was a freshman in college and dating Ricky, a sophomore, I was also fucking Randy, a senior, at the same time. Randy knew about Ricky, but Ricky didn't know about Randy. Are you with me? The fact that Randy had another boyfriend, a grad student also named Ricky, didn't really bother me because I was cheating too, you know? So everything was cool and I was getting laid like crazy. But then my Ricky found out about Randy and Randy's Ricky found out about me and we were all convinced that the world was coming to an end. But we were wrong. The sun kept coming up, RMF, and we quickly realized that we were just a bunch of silly faggots with too much time on our hands and too much cock in our mouths.
Which brings me to you and Jason and Roger and Cody.
Your desire to make Roger the villain in this little drama is understandable. You're dating Jason, and you don't want to think ill of him. But Jason is the problem here, RMF, not Roger. While Roger sounds like a deluded asshole, it's Jason's reluctance to tell Roger to fuck off that's keeping this drama alive. Roger is creepy and obsessed and he makes Jason's current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend uncomfortable—so why exactly does Jason maintain a friendship with Roger? Because Jason enjoys being the lead in the Jason/RMF/Roger/Cody show, just as I enjoyed being the lead of the Danny/Ricky/Ricky/Randy show. Just the fact that you wrote this letter, not Jason, speaks volumes.
So what do you do? You let Jason know that he needs to tell Roger to fuck off or you're through. And if you're looking for someone to date, well, Cody sounds like a sweetheart.